"Care to see my Oscar and two Golden Globes?"

Yeah, the Oscars were last night and thankfully I had a headache the likes you've never seen and after four Tylenol EZ Tabs, I was out before any of the festivities got on the television. Though a day late and a dollar short, I do have thoughts/comments on the winners:

-Why couldn't the WGA keep the strike on for longer just to give me the surreal image of someone like Rip Taylor reading the results from the same hanger where FOX most likely filmed that fake alien autopsy show way back when? Least it would have been shorter...

-No Country For Old Men won a bunch of stuff. Haven't seen it yet to say if it deserved it or not.

-Daniel Day-Lewis won best actor. Good for him.

-Some French broad won best actress over Mr. Lahey's daughter from Trailer Park Boys, and thus hopefully preventing further Canadian thespians trying to pander to a bunch of snooty American actors... OH SHI-! Sara fracking Polley was nominted for best adapted screenplay?! And she lost?! Fuck! Meanwhile, Relic from The Beachcombers rots in the ground (He's dead, right?). The fates are a cruel mistress...

-Ratatouille w0n best animated film. Considering it was up against a film I never heard about and a film about surfing penguins, it'd be the equivalent of coming in first in the Special Olympics. But now Brad Bird has another Oscar to use as he crotch-chops in front of former WB execs who decided to cock-block promoting The Iron Giant. Whose laughing now?

-The chick that wrote Juno won a best original screenplay Oscar. Haven't seen it either, but from hearing online buzz, it seems like whatever faith I have in the intelligence of teenagers will go out the window if I ever watch it.

That's all I got for now.

As if I needed a reason NOT to support Hillary Clinton...

... Tina Fey has to go and open her big fat yap!


See, Obama has the almighty Oprah backing him, Huckabee has the 1-2 combo of Chuck Norris and Ric Flair, McCain has I assume the backing of all the warhawks that exsist in the U.S. and A, poor Hillary has to resort to trolling techniques from her husband and from hack comedienne-disguised-as-pseudo feminist. Despite the fact that the conventional wisdom that Obama has all the momentum and the Clinton campaign is losing ground and money.

Methinks the Americans are more ready for a colored president than a female president, no?

Alberta Votes 2008 - Summary of Leaders Debate (moar like leaders masturbate LOL amirite?!), REAL Concerns Update # 2

Well, with about two weeks to go in the great Alberta vote, last night was the one (And sadly only) debate between Ed Stelmach, Kevin Taft, Brian Mason, and Paul Hinman. I think I'll let the late Charles Nelson Reilly sum it the whole 90 minute debate:

Thanks Charles! Nothing really new was stated other than typical partisan rhetoric.

REAL CONCERNS CHALLENGE UPDATE!

Well, so far the Liberals are the only party to reply back addressing my concerns. While they eased my mind a little bit, some of the answers seemed too convenient if you will. Despite blowing off ManBearPig as a threat, something alerts me to the fact that the Liberals have a plan for zombie infestation, as if they were totally expecting it. Therefore, I can only conclude that the Alberta Liberal Party is full of zombies and if you have a Liberal candidate show up to your door wanting to feast upon the gooey goodness of a living brain, well, don't say I didn't warn ya...

Meanwhile, a second party did reply back to me, well sort of. The Wildrose Alliance Party (or WAP) sent me this message:

"Thank you for your email. I will forward your policy question to our policy committee to address and respond.

Thank you,
Heather"

Waitaminute, so does this mean the WAP has no plans at all to protect us from ManBearPig? Or zombies? Who is on this "policy committee"? Monkeys with a laptop?!

Artist's conception of the Wildrose Alliance policy committee.

So unless Heather gets back to me whenever Doctor Zaius has cobbled up something, I would say the WAP has lost my vote.

So the summary so far:

Liberals - have a plan. Almost too perfect of a plan. I don't like the idea of like a zombie Pierre Trudeau running amok in Alberta.

Wildrose Alliance - Waiting, although hope is fading.

NDP - Probably too busy conspiring to take all of our jewgold to reply. But I will wait for them.

Green Party - Too busy with their bongs? Waiting for them as well.

Social Credit - LOL, no! Just no.

Meanwhile, the Tories have yet to get back to me. But that could change. As it turns out, my MLA is none other than the Honourable Ed Stelmach. And he has a campaign office here in my hometown. Therefore, tomorrow, I intend to visit their offices and get an answer from the horse's volunteer's mouth.

More to follow. Stay tuned.

Alberta Votes 2008 - The REAL Concerns Challegene. Update # 1: The first reply! Horray!

So far, my REAL concerns challenge has been picked up by one of the six major parties in Alberta. On Sunday, I sent an e-mail detailing my concerns and how they tend to address them. Well, Monday, I got my first response. And surprisingly it was from the Alberta Liberals. Here is what Tyler Mudrey, Administration Coordinator had to say with comments following:

"Thank you for your email. The Alberta Liberal Party supports investment in Alberta’s road and highway infrastructure. The best way to do that is to invest a portion of energy royalties in retiring the infrastructure debt completely by 2014. This should address your first concern."

-So, basically they're going to steal more jewgold from the oil companies that Mister Stelmach intends to do? Ehh, works for me...

"Our position on climate change is that it should be reversed not encouraged. Climate control technologies are also beyond our current science. Therefore we will have to deal with the snow, though the building of gigantic domes over the major cities and highways to keep the snow out and heat in has been suggested in some quarters (this is not our policy however)."

-And how pray tell do you "reverse" climate change? What kind of voodoo magic do you tend to use?

"Our position on crime is that more resources need to be invested in police officers. We already have superheros patrolling our streets in the form of RCMP officers and other peace officers. We believe that the current uniforms of these superheros are more effective in fighting crime than tights and masks which only encourage criminals to look upon law enforcement as neurotic, attention seeking individuals trying to avenge their parents’ death or their exposure to something radioactive etc."

-So, does this mean Brendan Fraser will reprise his role as Dudley Do-Right? Or hell, will even Jacques Rougeau once again don the Stetson and shock people with a giant cattle prod while proclaiming "Hi yam da Mountie!"(Which is French-Canadian for "I am the Mountie!")? Either way, I can get behind that.

"We have the highest respect for the phobias of Stephen Corbert and will make every effort to heed his warnings. As to zombies, the Alberta Liberal Party has a policy to keep Alberta zombie free using the most advanced technologies possible (including the mass dissemination of Zombie Survival Guides) and are working hard to see that zombies and zombie-like creatures are kept out of all levels of government in Alberta."

Sadly, you brushed off the threat of one ManBearPig, which makes me think that:

zOMGZ~! THE LIBERALS ARE IN CAHOOTS WITH MANBEARPIG! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Though it is reassuring that the Liberals have a contingency plan for zombies. Are they perhaps breeding an army of the undead and need to have a back-up plan in case they revolt and feast upon the living?

"Hopefully this answers your questions.

Best,

Tyler R. Mudrey
Administration Coordinator
Alberta Liberal Party
tylermudrey@albertaliberal.com"

Yes they have. Hopefully the other five parties will address with as promptly as you, Mister Mudrey and thus allowing me to make an informed decision come March 3.

As for now, we can declare the first response as a :


To be continued... hopefully...

Alberta Votes 2008 Supplement - The REAL concerns challenge!

So for most parts, I remain undecided in the upcoming election. While every party can talk about either improving education, health care, roads, and cutting taxes, a lot of these things are irrelevant to me (Except the roads things, more on that later.). So, in order to help with my decision, I decided to draft an e-mail and send it off to each of the six major parties in Alberta. Herein lies the content of said e-mail:

"February 17, 2008.

To whom it may concern,

With the provincial election at its halfway mark and the only leaders debate occurring this Thursday, I find myself still undecided to which party I should cast my vote for. While everyone spouts off their respective rhetoric, it seems none of what is said affects me as an Albertan personally. I am a single male in his late 20s, therefore education and child care is not a priority in my life. I am fairly healthy, therefore health care is somewhat irrelevant to me. What my concerns are in this following letter, and how you answer them will help me decide to which party’s candidate I should lend my vote to on March 3:

1. Infrastructure/Winter Road Maintenance - Let’s face it, roads in Alberta range from “good” for major roads to “fair” for some of the not so major highways to “Oh my god! How did I not mess up my suspension system?!” for a good portion of the lesser paved roads. Plus in winter months, a lot of towns and cities seem to neglect removal of snow, assuming we all have 4-wheel drive vehicles. So, what would you party do to bring our highway system up to a universal standard of excellence? Also: would your party support either investing in climate control-based technology to limit snowfall or even the speeding up process of global warming so we eliminate winter altogether?

2. Crime – With a booming and prosperous economy we have enjoyed over the years, we have also seen a rise in criminal activity. Not just the violent crimes like murder, but petty crimes like break & entering, and crimes that seem to indicate the works of organized crime such as drug busts and even gang wars spilling into the streets. Now, while a provincial police force was laughed at and the current RCMPs seem to be unable to handle this crime explosion. Would your party endorse the concept of forming regional superheroes to patrol the major cities and various regions of the province?

3. ManBearPig – Half man, half bear, and half pig. As established by American political pundit Stephen Colbert, bears are a constant threat. Pigs were the smart animals that led the overthrow of Manor Farm in George Orwell’s allegorical Animal Farm. Man of course, is the most deadliest animal of all. Put all three together and we have a threat that is greater than can be imagined. Even former United States vice-president Al Gore has gone on record stating the seriousness of ManBearPig’s existence at this following link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_ASjFzi7J0. Now, what would your party do to protect the average Albertan from such a monstrosity?

4. Zombies – The living dead if you will. Movies over the years have shown them as a threat, and more recently, a zombie infestation in our beloved province was part of the plot in my short novella Apocalypse Wow! Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The End Of The World (Available upon request.). Also as someone who is in possession of Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide, I would be interested in picking your brains (Pun most definitely intended.) and see what your party would have in mind in handling a zombie infestation in Alberta.

This letter is being sent to all of the six major parties contending for governing our beloved province. Hence, I will be making my decision upon which candidate gets my vote on the March 3 election. Since we are past the half-way mark, a reply to my concerns will be greatly appreciated as the earliest convenience. Please reply by either e-mailing me back at daner79@shaw.ca or by written correspondence to my mailing address:

[ADDRESS DELETED TO PREVENT CRAZIES FROM CONTACTING ME IRL!]

Thank you for your time and consideration of my concerns."

I will update with replies once (and if) they become available. Although as of composing this message, the Wildrose Alliance Party replied back with an anti-spam message for me to click on so it can get through.

This story will be developing...

Why didn't anybody tell me it was Black History Month?

Because every month should be Black History Month! Enjoy this touching tribute:

Alberta Votes 2008 - Party Overview

"God wants politics/God wants a good laugh" - Roger Waters, "What God Wants (Part 2)"

Ahh. election time in Alberta. Unlike our American friends who seem to take a whole freaking year to choose their leader (Current U.S. presidential status: the old white guy on the right is winning over the other old white guys. The black man is basically stealing it on the left while the woman on the same side has seen her campaign run out of money.), our electoral process is shorter and unfortunately lulz-deficient. Fret not though! This post will hopefully educate you on the prospective parties, their leaders, their support base, and giving you more than the recommended dosage of daily lulz intake.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason Presents: Alberta Votes 2008 Primer! Or "When Will People Learn That Democracy Just Doesn't Work!"

1. Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta - The current reigning government party, and has done so for nearly 40 years with four different premiers at their helm. It's current leader/premier/supreme oppressor is Ed Stelmach, a dark horse candidate who surprised us all by winning the race to replace outgoing leader Ralph Klein. Since then "Steady Eddie" hasn't provided the many lulz we Albertans enjoyed under the glorious reign of King Ralph.

Supported by: big business, oil companies (Probably not so much now since Eddie is threatening to take away their jewgold, LOL AMIRITE?!), Ukrainian-Canadians, fans of the status quo.

Chances of retaining: Depends on Albertans' desires for real change and if they feel any of the other parties can offer that kind of change. In the end, complacency will reign supreme and while everyone underneath is bickering over the "We're real change, dammit!" mantra, the PCs will walk away, though not enjoying the large majorities they did in the Ralph Klein Years.

2. Alberta Liberal Party - The long standing official opposition and constant bridesmaid of Alberta politics. Led by Kevin Taft, who has the great distinction of "He leads what now?" if a recent news story was accurate when voters were asked to identify him - confusing him with U.S. presidential candidate John McCain and NDP leader Brian Mason(More on him next.)

Supported by: intellectuals, city folk, possibly your mother, the few die-hards that haven't been totally alienated by their federal cousins' actions (lol AdScam!).

Chances of forming the new government: The funny thing is, here in Alberta the word "Liberal" is a dirty word for most of the population thanks to the federal wing of the party. Can this perpetual bridesmaid finally become a bride? Probably not, but could pick up more seats.

3. New Democratic Party of Alberta - If the Liberals are the bridesmaid, then the NDP is the ugly cousin at the wedding that becomes good looking through beer goggles. Led by Brian Mason(No relation to Perry Mason.), a former Edmonton Transit bus driver turned city councilor turned MLA turned reluctant leader because nobody else wanted it.

Supported by: unions, socialists, communists, lower-case liberals who think upper-case Liberals are greedy mofos, emos, university students who protest the New World Order(The other one, not this one.) while wearing Che Guevara shirts that are mass produced by the companies they hate - oh the irony!

Chances of forming the new government: The day the NDP actually form a government in this province is the day Hell freezes over. So the short answer is - lol no!

4. Wildrose Alliance Party of Alberta - A new party made up of the old Alberta Alliance Party and the Wildrose Party. Led by Paul Hinman, not much is really known about this party because neither party amounted to much of anything, except the Alliance, which Hinman was their only elected member in the last general election. But going over their website, it seems they view themselves as a right-wing alternative to the reigning Alberta PCs.

Supported by: lower-case conservatives who think the Alberta PCs have lost the meaning of what the "C" in their party's name means, possibly the few Alberta separtists that Prime Minster Stephen Harper hasn't secretly killed off to hide his potential "Scary Right-Wing Boogeyman" past from the biased eastern liberal media, religious zealots.

Chances of forming the government: Probably nonexistent, although could play spoiler in the country ridings.

5. Green Party of Alberta - No elected members, but has candidates in all bout one of the 82 ridings up for grabs. Led by George Read and not surprisingly by someone named "Coyote Bongwater", this is a heavily pro-environment party that has had success elsewhere in the world but hasn't had much of an impact here in Canada.

Supported by: hippies, wacko environmentalists, leftists who think the Liberals and NDP are a bunch of planet killing bastards, Captain Planet (Who? Captain Planet! Who?...).

Chances of forming the government: About the same as a panda bear surviving man's encroachment on its bamboo habitat.

6. Alberta Social Credit Party - Populist party that once governed from the 1930s up to 1971. Pretty much hanging onto completely falling into obscurity. Led by Len Skowronksi. One of their candidates insulted me in my first time to vote, so they're dead to me.

Supported by: Mormons, the few people still alive during the Ernest Manning years.

Chances of forming the government: Only has 8 eight candidates according to their website, so all signs point to "no". That, and they're dead to me.

Hopefully this was helpful. Albertans, remember to vote or else Puff Daddy and I are gonna git ya with our gats!

"Pioneers of Tomorrow" - Great Show, or THE Greatest show?

Ahhh, Pioneers of Tomorrow - you never fail to amuse me here. For the uninitiated, Pioneers of Tomorrow is a children's television program that appears on Hamas-controlled stations in the Middle East. This was the same program that gave us Farfour, a Mickey Mouse-like character that was teaching the children of Lebanon to hate the western world and the state of Israel. However Farfour became a martyr (read: maybe Hamas was afraid of getting pWned by Disney's lawyers?) and was eventually replaced by Nahoul, a bee. Unlike Farfour, Nahoul seemed to be teaching not only hatred of the Israeli Jews, but also decided to be a pest to some wild cats at a zoo. He was eventually bitched out by the child hostess, who is probably between Ben from Lost and WWE chairman Vince McMahon as "Best on-air evil dick character on television today!":



Sadly, I recently learned that Nahoul was sick and dying (Probably contracted space AIDS due to a Zionist plot... who knows...) and he too has been replaced by a rabbit named Assud (Which ironically means "lion" and well, let the following video explain it all):

For those keeping score: Anonymous - Over 9000; Co$ - Zero

L. Ron and Tom Cruise? No. Anonymous Asian chick with nice boobs and makeshift gas mask? FUCK YEAH!

The preceding videos were from today's protests in Edmonton, Vancouver, and Toronto respectively. It seems Anonymous enjoyed epic wins worldwide at least based on accounts recorded here.

Hopefully this will mean the slow and eventual end of this dangerous and greedy cult. Once again, religion should be free. Educate yourself.

Unless you want to believe we are evolved forms of CLAMS FROM SPACE~!!!

(Suddenly, being evolved forms of poo-flinging primates doesn't seem all that bad now, eh Creationists?)

"In A.D. 2008, War Was Beginning..."

To give a cliff notes version of what is going on here: last month a video leaked onto the internets that was from a $cientology recruitment video that had noted $cientologist/actor/batshit insane person Tom Cruise waxing very romantically on his so-called faith. Well, instead of grinning and bearing it, the Co$ decided to nix the lulzs and had the video pretty much removed from sites like YouTube citing "copyright infringement." Well, this little turn of events seemed to inspire a group of alleged "hackers on steroids" who are going under a collective name of "Anonymous." Basically in the previous video, almost like the Borg from Star Trek, Anonymous has collectively declared war on the Co$. You can follow/catch up with the drama right here in what has been dubbed "Project Chanology."

In this video, Anonymous strikes again, calling for a worldwide protest this coming Sunday:



We here at A Momentary Lapse of Reason fully endorse Anonymous in their fight against what is pretty much a dangerous organization in the Co$. Don't believe me? Google or Wiki these names and terms: Lisa McPherson, Noah Lottick, Josephus Havenith, "Operation: Snow White", "Fair Game", and "Operation: Freakout". Educate yourself.