I think this picture sums up my opinion on the impending banking crisis...

Yep, we're all boned!

LOL, Oprah!

From What Would Tyler Durden Do?


I'm sure there's more details at the usual places (4Chan, Encyclopedia Dramatica, etc.), but basically this is the gist: Oprah got duped by Anonymous, who claimed via a posting on one of the Big O's message board, that there is a network of over 9000 pedophiles on the internets that are waiting to strike at a moment's notice. My guess between this and hacking Sarah Palin's Yahoo! Mail account, Anonymous has kind of stepped down a peg from harassing the Cult of $cientology. Plus now I'm worried that Anonymous has bitten off more than he/she/it can chew as there are three people that you do not fuck around with:

1. Jesus from The Big Lebowski.
2. The Undertaker
3. Oprah

I eagerly await the thrashing Anonymous is about to get. Lulz galore!

If an awards show is on TV and I don't watch it, does it really happen?

Apparently the Emmy Awards were on last night. Too bad I was more into the Dallas Cowboys beating down the Green Bay Packers to even pay attention to the show. Anyways, I probably would have been befuddled and slightly confused with the main winners. Between a show I refuse to watch due to my borderline rational/irrational hatred of Tina Fey(30 Rock), a show I barely heard of(Mad Men), and Stephen Colbert losing again to a one-off special by some old man(Don Rickles this time), I would not have fun watching it at all. Plus I don't understand how or why reality competition shows need to be recognized or even awarded. Clearly we are near the end of days now...

Guess God Doesn't Want to Appear to Be Playing Favorites in the US Presidental Election...

First I thought with Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes taking the long dirt nap - plus Morgan Freeman nearly escaping death - that God was killing high profile African-Americans to ensure Barack Obama's ascension to the office of the President of the United States of America. Now a couple low key, but high profile old white people died within the last week. These unlucky souls:

• Ron Lancaster - Canadian football player turned coach. Known as "The Little General", Ron played for both the Ottawa Rough Riders and the Saskatchewan Roughriders (Don't ask why there were two teams with similar names, it's a Canadian thing, aight.). Ron also went onto coaching teams like the Roughriders, along with Edmonton and Hamilton. Succumbed to cancer at the age of 69.
• Richard Wright - Pianist/Keyboardist and one of the founding members of Pink Floyd. While not as high in profile within the group, Richard contributed some vocals and writings during the Syd Barrett years, as well as all the iconic sounds in the latter years before Roger Waters went all crazy and started penning long concept albums based off crib notes from George Orwell books(Animals), the alienating effects of arena rock coupled with his dad dying in the Second World War(The Wall) and more pissing and moaning of his dead dad coupled with the shitty British economy in the early 80s(The Final Cut). It was during this period Wright left the group, only to return for 1987's A Momentary Lapse of Reason(Hey now...). Also died from cancer at the age of 65.

So now does this mean John McCain is going to ascend to the presidency with these old white souls? Better to feed off them now than if he dies in office which - despite me being swept up in Palin-mania - doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence... unless McCain is a Time Lord and when he dies regenerates into David Tennant, as evidenced here:

Thank god I wasn't born into the Palin family

Between dealing with a really bad and delayed Oedipus Complex, I would be stuck with possibly one of the goofiest names ever. Willow and Piper aren't that bad, but Track, Trig, and Bristol? C'mon, that's silly! And this is coming from someone whose cousin named their kids Cedar Dawn and Lake. Anyways, this site allowed me to find my Palin family name, which would be "Plank Castle Palin". Great, so not only are my intials PCP, that name would have more than likely guranteed my school days to be filled with constant beatings. Least I could return to the warm embrace of my mother's bosom....

... uhh, I have to go now...

Canada/US Election Double Feature: Pigs, Puffins, and Hippies, Oh My!

Well, it's been four days since the federal election was called here in Canada, and I would have liked to have done a comprehensive post on things that have happened so far - but nothing much has happened. The only exciting things that occurred so far was:

1. The Conservatives apologized for running an internet ad that had an animated puffin taking a shit on Liberal leader Stephane Dion.
   
2. Stephane Dion apologized to PM Stephen Harper for invoking Godwin's Law by referring to him as "Hitler".
3. The Green Party was denied a spot on the leaders debate until they threw the equivalent to a child's temper tantrum mixed in with $cientology's main defense(i.e. We'll sue until we get our way!). So now apparently they'll be part of the English language debate.
4. NDP leader Jack Layton pretty much pissed away his party's hopes of ever electing an MP in Alberta by calling the oilsands project a big polluter and makes Captain Planet cry. In our province's defense, Premier Ed Stelmach pretty much gave this message to the federal NDP:
   

Meanwhile, the Americans seem to be more ruthless in their insults as opposed to us Canadians. What could be misconstrued as a sexist comment, apparently "Black Jesus" Barack Obama made a statement about Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin in the regards that "If you put lipstick on a pig, it is still a pig". See? This is the kind of ruthless agression I wanna see in Canadian politics.

Just one of many things I think I was deprived of in my youth...

Why did no one ever tell me of a Street Fighter animated series? You all suck and deserve to be beaten down by M. Bison (Who in the previous clip seems like a total sexist dick, and I love it.)!

Also, this:


It is indeed delicious!

Storytime! Canadian Politics Style!

Note: This video really has nothing to do with the following post, other than I wanted to use the opening title sequence. That, and well, Monty Python kicks ass!

So with a federal election looming here in Canada, I thought a little story would help explain why we're doing such a silly thing right now:

Once upon a time in a town called Canadia, there was a treehouse that four young boys had inherited from their older siblings. At the head of this rather intriguing foursome was a young lad named Stephen, a rather conservative fellow. Stephen was not meant to be confused with Stephane, his French counterpart and whose elder brothers Jean and Paul set up the treehouse but left it in such disarray that Stephen was forced to clean it up with Stephane's reluctant help since he was kind of new to the leadership neighborhood. Rounding out the two was little Jackie Layton, a rather bland and inoffensive fellow who saw himself as the balance between the two extremes of Stephen and Stephane; and there was also Gilles, who always wanted his way and wanted to break down the treehouse. Because of this, Gilles was always secretly the odd man out.

Anyways, for a few years things were going well for those that dwelled in this treehouse. For most parts, while Stephen was head of the club, he did not have full power unlike the brothers Jean and Paul, but because of years of neglect and patronage, the neighbors saw fit to give little Stevie a chance to run things his way, but watched very carefully by the other three. This seemed to work well.

But Stephen always had an agenda. He seeked the same level of unaccountable power that Jean had for so many years. But he knew with the minority control he had, any of the three - his evil counterpart Stephane, little Jackie, or Gilles the smelly Quebecer - could team up and have him kicked out. As part of his plan, Stephen selected a set date that would see the neighbors choose their fate in the unlikely event that things could go on as usual.

However, something in the last little bit changed Stephen's mind and realized he could no longer get along with those in the treehouse and he felt was now the right time for a change. Everyone cried "foul", probably secretly knowing that Stephane himself was really no match for Stephen, little Jackie is destined to be the bridesmaid, and Gilles is not really a threat. There is also little Lizzie May from Green Street, but so far she is really nothing to worry about. So Stephen asked Mammie Two-Shoes to disband the club for now and let the neighbors determine the houses' leadership fate.

I think I had a point to this, but have long since lost it. Anyways, October 14th we get to vote. Why exactly, I have no frackin' clue. I plan to vote for Kodos anyways.

Okay, I think Jack Chick has finally lost it!

Oh Jack Chick! Know him? He's an artist/writer of those religious tracts that the crazy woman who sees you at the bus stop hands you while you're waiting for the number six, or substituted as Kleenex inside a peep show booth. Anyways this is from his newest masterpiece entitled "First Bite" - which from what I can tell from reading is a typical "Halloween is a Satanist holiday and an affront to the lord" story. But three things stand out to me:

1. The fact that the "vampires giving birth" seems eerily familiar; as if Mister Chick (If that even is his real name.) glossed over the whole Darla giving birth to Connor story arc from Angel.

2. The fact said vampiric offspring has the oh-so-scary name of Igor. Igor?! C'mon! I could come up with scarier names, like Rumpleshithead or Chilly McFreeze!

3. Igor looks like the love child of film noire icon Peter Lorre and MAD Magazine mascot Alfred E. Neuman!

Anyways, the link to the rest of the story is above and if you're ever in the mood for some shiggles, you can read Jack Chick's entire catalog here.

FWIW, "Boo!" is the best of the anti-Halloween ones...

How I spent my summer vacation (Or, "Holy fucking ass crackers! I forgot about this thing!!")

Real life is a very weird thing. Between real-life commitments, acquiring a PS3 and getting lost in the world of Grand Theft Auto IV, getting convinced to watch 2/3 of Joss Whedon's television canon, and just a little bit of lethargy on my part, you forget about some little things. Those little things are the fact I had this blog, and apparently run-on sentences too. But anyways, I'm back and hope to comment here on a more semi-regular basis.

So, without further adieu, here's some random thoughts on events that occured between my last post and now:

Summer Olympics in China- US swimmer Michael Phelps won like a whole bunch of gold medals, which will probably be overturned in like 20 years when it is revealed he really is Aquaman. The Chinese apparently cheated in gymnastics, bait and switched a little girl singing in the opening ceremony, and did other unscrupulous things to add to the stereotype that the Chinese can't be trusted (Especially the one that peed in my Coke many years ago.). And speaking of stereotypes, the Spanish mens' basketball team showed their sensitivity by having a team picture done with them doning "slant-eyes", because y'see the asians are all slant-eyed devils or something. Spain's official reply: "Me so solly!" And Canada kinda sucked until like the end when we won medals in important events like the trampoline and some crappy thing involving horses. Can't wait until Vancouver in 2010 so we get embarrased in the Winter Games.

Ride Greyhound and leave the beheading to us - Apparently some poor guy got stabbed and then beheaded on a Greyhound bus going between Edmonton and Winnipeg. So like all tragedys today, a Facebook group was set up for the poor victim and his family plans to sue Greyhound - as if they knew a crazed lunatic would be riding the bus.

Speaking of loonies - In my hometown, some mentally unbalanced man who got a speeding ticket from the RCMP decided to drive into town with a loaded shotgun and head to the detachment office here. Well, his wife tipped off the Mounties and much like the fate of Rasputin(as told in that song by Boney M), they shot him until he was dead("Oh, those Mounties...").

"'Listeria?!' I thought you said 'Listerine'!" - Canadian processed food giant Maple Leaf Foods is apparently trying to kill us. A couple weeks ago, a whole whack of meat products were recalled due to a very health-endagering bacterium was found in some of their fine products. While the blame could be placed on federal meat inspectors, the head of Maple Leaf decided to take one for the team with his "Oops... our bad" apology, and thus dooming the company in the series of class-action lawsuits to come... unless he pulls a Budd Dwyer.

So, does God not care about black people, too? - Legendary soul man and mac daddy of $cientology Issac Hayes died. Comedian Bernie Mac died. Morgan Freeman can add "Survive a fatal car accident" to his personal "bucket list". Cleary this is part of Barack Obama's ascension to the presidency/role of "Black Jesus". In the event that more African-Americans are needed to be sacrificed, I present a short list of five black people who need to be spared from such events:

1. Samuel L. Jackson
2. The cast of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
3. Avery Brooks
4. Flavor Flav
5. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Honorable mention goes to Freema Agyeman (Martha Jones on Doctor Who).

Speaking of "Black Jesus" - Barack Obama offically became the first African-Amercian candidate for the office of President of the United States. Possibly in a way to cater to disenfranchised women who thought Hillary Clinton deserved the Democrat nomination, Republican presidental hopeful John McCain picked Alaska govenor Sarah Palin as his vice-president/running mate/jerk-off material for neocons everywhere. I could go on about her lack of experience, giving birth to a downs child, and the fact her "abstinence only" method of sex ed led to her 17 year old daughter getting knocked up, but there is one thing I am scared of and that's a woman who knows how to operate powerful firearms:

"This is my rifle, these are my guns/This one's for fighting, these two are for fun..."

But at least American politics are interesting... - Because all signs in Canada point to a federal election happening in mid-October. And unlike our American neighbors, we lack any kind of monumental change in our political leaders (Which is ironic when you consider Canada is like totally open-minded and not full of racists and all that jazz.). The only thing that could make it interesting is the Green Party fighting for a spot in any televised leaders debate, despite the fact their leader doesn't have a seat in Parliament and their only M.P. was a former Liberal who was bribed into the party with the promise of delicious cake. And by "cake" I mean "lots and lots of pot!".

On second thought, I wish Putin was our leader - Russian president/dictator for life Vladimir Putin apparently saved a journalist from a fierce Siberian tiger by wrestling it. Putin is also apparently a real-life judoka (Practitioner of judo.) and I guess fighting tigers is how he passes time in between pWning breakaway former Soviet republics and calling out the U.S. and A.

And some parting words/questions - Amy Winehouse: please just OD already... Miley Cyrus, I don't get you at all or why you are popular... Madonna apparently invoked Godwin's Law on her new tour, probably just to try to remain relevant... And what's a "Kim Kardashian" anyways?