Any real names, non-original content, or likenesses of celebrities are used in a fictitious and parodic manner.
CHAPTER TWO: SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. OR, IN WHICH WE MEET DONNIE BELLUM, VICARIOUSLY MEET HIS WIFE SARAH, AND KEVIN ALMOST SAVES A BRAIN
“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!” - Dr. Peter Venkman, professional Ghost Buster.
“Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky and some days have a grin
Some days have bouncers and won’t let you in”
- U2, “Some Days Are Better Than Others”
Mondays were usually quiet at Dean’s workplace. Normally, he would have someone working alongside him, but things have been rough in terms of employment. Ryan Jeffries, one of his fellow co-workers, has been busy getting his pilot’s license. And the quantity of potential applicants that have trickled in were not exactly inspiring Dean’s usual faith in the usefulness of people in society. But his day was almost done, his store manager Donnie Bellum was scheduled to come in.
Outside of Kevin, Donnie was the closest thing he had to a best friend. Over the three years working there, Dean had gotten to Donnie well. For most parts, they shared the same taste in movies, music, and general minutiae of the ways of the human species.
Donnie had a wife named Sarah. She was the head of research at the Alberta Research Council. She specialized in plants and other forms of vegetation indigenous to this region of the province.
Thirty minutes to go. Everything is done. Go home, kick back, relax, and snuggle with Karen. Dean was thinking to himself. While trying to maintain what a normal couple does when at home, he could not help to think about a potential war over what could be best described as the dumbest reason to ever start one. However, as Dean was going into work, nothing earth shattering had developed. All sides seemed to be more into throwing back to back insults than doing anything drastic. Maybe Kevin will be wrong about this little doomsday scenario. Or maybe this was all a bad dream. Dean will wake up and it will be Sunday again. Karen would be making waffles for breakfast. Petula Clark would be on the radio again, and Kevin would be coming in talking about trying to set up traps for the eventual Great Wolf Uprising.
Then Karen walked into the store. She had gotten off the day shift today and was still in her paramedic uniform. Her jet black hair and brownish eyes were a pleasant sight for Dean, who was getting anxious for the day to end.
“Hey there honey. How’s my little assistant manager doing?” Karen asked with a flirtatious smile.
Dean looked up and smiled back “Oh just wonderful. Between trying to decide whom to hire and whether or not we could be on the brink of a global nuclear war, it has been a typical quiet Monday.”
“Did you check your cell phone?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Kevin text messaged me saying something about meeting us here.”
“Did he mention anything about wolves?”
“Not this time. He did send another one later talking about dogs and cats living together.” Karen said.
Dean laughed. “Okay, someone must have watched Ghostbusters. I figured he would have gone with one of the following: The Omega Man, Soylent Green, or 28 Days Later.”
Karen looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Kevin is researching various doomsday scenarios and how to prepare for them. I believe he is right now in the ‘mass hysteria’ mode of this project.”
“He can get quite overboard with these kinds of things, huh?”
“Well, so far this is minor. When Donnie comes in, ask him about the time he had used his backyard to test random wolf traps. And speak of the devil…” Dean looked out at the parking lot and saw Donnie’s station wagon pulling in. The two of them watched as Donnie made his way into the store.
Karen decided to be direct as Donnie made his entrance. “Okay, tell me about the wolf traps.”
Donnie looked confused, as he did not like being ambushed by a question like that. “You had to tell her, eh?” he said to Dean.
Dean smirked. “Well, Kevin is in a ‘save the world’ phase because of this whole Lohan versus Iron Sheik thing.”
Donnie reacted with a bit of dread in his voice. “Oh shit, he’s not going to want to put a bomb shelter in my yard this time, is he? Why must he use my yard as a beta testing ground for his schemes?”
Karen was doing her best not to laugh. “It’s not like he set up a series of pits and snares, right?” she asked with a bit of humor in her tone.
“He dug like a giant pit in the middle of my backyard. Then he decides to line the entire block with trip lines and ankle traps.” Donnie said with has hand over his face, showing slight embarrassment over the incident. “What I don’t understand is that he did this when Sarah and I were visiting her folks down in Lethbridge and I told no one I was going away that weekend other than… you!“ Donnie then looks over at Dean.
Dean gave an innocent look. “Hey, I never mentioned anything. In fact he surprised even me as he waiting in my truck. He said it was to teach me that anyone can gain access to my vehicle. All it did teach me was to now ALWAYS lock my truck at all times.”
Around this time, Kevin walked into the store, ignoring the fact that his previous actions had been discussed. He went looking at the older movie sections of the store. Looking disappointed, he addressed Donnie “I must say this store’s lack of the Mad Max trilogy makes me somewhat sad.”
Donnie looked puzzled, “What would you like me to do? You were not complaining two months ago about our selection of Asian porn.”
“That was strictly for business research for my trip to the Asian Pacific, Donnie!” Kevin quickly replied back. “Although your store’s lack of dystopian films does disappoint me and my new Post-War Apocalypse Preparation Committee plans…”
Karen decided to interrupt “What about all of your other committees?” She asked.
Kevin answered “All committees are on hold right now Karen. Although I am willing to offer you a position of handling emergency triage and medical treatment in the new world order. Meanwhile Donnie, you might be of some use to me after all. Your wife, Sarah…”
Donnie began shaking his head “No, no, absolutely not! How many times do I have to tell you – she works with plants only!”
Kevin sighed. “Look, she has a high position within the walls of research and development. She probably has seen government plans for restructuring society after a planet-wide catastrophe.”
“No, she doesn’t. Just like how she could not help you when you wanted to put a part of a wolverine’s brain into a Venus Fly Trap, she doesn’t do that mad science shit you think she does!”
Karen whispered to Dean “Do I even want to know that one?”
Dean whispered back “Long story short – Kevin thought an animal-plant hybrid may be the last line of defense again the wolf uprising.”
Karen smiled and shook her head and quietly said “Remind me again why we’re friends with him again.”
Dean smiled with her “Well, he made life for me… hmmm… interesting in Edmonton. You he knew because he was dating the skip of your curling team.” Karen and Dean continued their private conversation and eavesdropping on one of the things Kevin does best, which was annoy Donnie. Meanwhile Kevin still was trying to convince Donnie to allow him to speak to his wife to get information that may or may not exist.
“Alright then, question – who do I learn from how to handle an outbreak of radioactive-scarred people searching for any form of sustenance than is in the store.” Kevin asked.
The store’s telephone rang as Donnie pointed Kevin in the direction of a movie that best described his request. On the phone was Donnie’s wife. She usually phoned around this time. While in the middle of the conversation, Kevin came up to the counter with his movie and a note he had written.
“Ask her if she got my e-mail” was written on there. Donnie looked at it, confused as usual with Kevin’s antics. “Oh, Kevin is here and wants to know if you got his e-mail… uh-huh… I’ll let him know”, said Donnie. “Sarah says that raising the dead is both unethical and unfeasible. That and she doubts that Chris Benoit would want to hang around with you.”
Kevin looked slightly disappointed. “You may be right; he’d probably want to be with his family.”
A lanky-looking teenage male was behind Kevin and tapped him on the shoulder. He told him. “Dude, you shouldn’t joke about that. Not enough time has passed.”
Kevin turned around. “Who are you?” he asked. “Shoo! This does not concern you!” The teen just scoffed and left muttering a “whatever”.
Again Karen asked Dean as he was putting on his long brown trench coat, “Is this another one I’m afraid to ask about?”
Dean looked and smiled. “Yeah, I’ll tell you while we’re making dinner tonight.”
Once everyone was gone, Donnie sighed and muttered to himself: Dammit all to hell! I guess some days are better than others.
Outside of Kevin, Donnie was the closest thing he had to a best friend. Over the three years working there, Dean had gotten to Donnie well. For most parts, they shared the same taste in movies, music, and general minutiae of the ways of the human species.
Donnie had a wife named Sarah. She was the head of research at the Alberta Research Council. She specialized in plants and other forms of vegetation indigenous to this region of the province.
Thirty minutes to go. Everything is done. Go home, kick back, relax, and snuggle with Karen. Dean was thinking to himself. While trying to maintain what a normal couple does when at home, he could not help to think about a potential war over what could be best described as the dumbest reason to ever start one. However, as Dean was going into work, nothing earth shattering had developed. All sides seemed to be more into throwing back to back insults than doing anything drastic. Maybe Kevin will be wrong about this little doomsday scenario. Or maybe this was all a bad dream. Dean will wake up and it will be Sunday again. Karen would be making waffles for breakfast. Petula Clark would be on the radio again, and Kevin would be coming in talking about trying to set up traps for the eventual Great Wolf Uprising.
Then Karen walked into the store. She had gotten off the day shift today and was still in her paramedic uniform. Her jet black hair and brownish eyes were a pleasant sight for Dean, who was getting anxious for the day to end.
“Hey there honey. How’s my little assistant manager doing?” Karen asked with a flirtatious smile.
Dean looked up and smiled back “Oh just wonderful. Between trying to decide whom to hire and whether or not we could be on the brink of a global nuclear war, it has been a typical quiet Monday.”
“Did you check your cell phone?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Kevin text messaged me saying something about meeting us here.”
“Did he mention anything about wolves?”
“Not this time. He did send another one later talking about dogs and cats living together.” Karen said.
Dean laughed. “Okay, someone must have watched Ghostbusters. I figured he would have gone with one of the following: The Omega Man, Soylent Green, or 28 Days Later.”
Karen looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Kevin is researching various doomsday scenarios and how to prepare for them. I believe he is right now in the ‘mass hysteria’ mode of this project.”
“He can get quite overboard with these kinds of things, huh?”
“Well, so far this is minor. When Donnie comes in, ask him about the time he had used his backyard to test random wolf traps. And speak of the devil…” Dean looked out at the parking lot and saw Donnie’s station wagon pulling in. The two of them watched as Donnie made his way into the store.
Karen decided to be direct as Donnie made his entrance. “Okay, tell me about the wolf traps.”
Donnie looked confused, as he did not like being ambushed by a question like that. “You had to tell her, eh?” he said to Dean.
Dean smirked. “Well, Kevin is in a ‘save the world’ phase because of this whole Lohan versus Iron Sheik thing.”
Donnie reacted with a bit of dread in his voice. “Oh shit, he’s not going to want to put a bomb shelter in my yard this time, is he? Why must he use my yard as a beta testing ground for his schemes?”
Karen was doing her best not to laugh. “It’s not like he set up a series of pits and snares, right?” she asked with a bit of humor in her tone.
“He dug like a giant pit in the middle of my backyard. Then he decides to line the entire block with trip lines and ankle traps.” Donnie said with has hand over his face, showing slight embarrassment over the incident. “What I don’t understand is that he did this when Sarah and I were visiting her folks down in Lethbridge and I told no one I was going away that weekend other than… you!“ Donnie then looks over at Dean.
Dean gave an innocent look. “Hey, I never mentioned anything. In fact he surprised even me as he waiting in my truck. He said it was to teach me that anyone can gain access to my vehicle. All it did teach me was to now ALWAYS lock my truck at all times.”
Around this time, Kevin walked into the store, ignoring the fact that his previous actions had been discussed. He went looking at the older movie sections of the store. Looking disappointed, he addressed Donnie “I must say this store’s lack of the Mad Max trilogy makes me somewhat sad.”
Donnie looked puzzled, “What would you like me to do? You were not complaining two months ago about our selection of Asian porn.”
“That was strictly for business research for my trip to the Asian Pacific, Donnie!” Kevin quickly replied back. “Although your store’s lack of dystopian films does disappoint me and my new Post-War Apocalypse Preparation Committee plans…”
Karen decided to interrupt “What about all of your other committees?” She asked.
Kevin answered “All committees are on hold right now Karen. Although I am willing to offer you a position of handling emergency triage and medical treatment in the new world order. Meanwhile Donnie, you might be of some use to me after all. Your wife, Sarah…”
Donnie began shaking his head “No, no, absolutely not! How many times do I have to tell you – she works with plants only!”
Kevin sighed. “Look, she has a high position within the walls of research and development. She probably has seen government plans for restructuring society after a planet-wide catastrophe.”
“No, she doesn’t. Just like how she could not help you when you wanted to put a part of a wolverine’s brain into a Venus Fly Trap, she doesn’t do that mad science shit you think she does!”
Karen whispered to Dean “Do I even want to know that one?”
Dean whispered back “Long story short – Kevin thought an animal-plant hybrid may be the last line of defense again the wolf uprising.”
Karen smiled and shook her head and quietly said “Remind me again why we’re friends with him again.”
Dean smiled with her “Well, he made life for me… hmmm… interesting in Edmonton. You he knew because he was dating the skip of your curling team.” Karen and Dean continued their private conversation and eavesdropping on one of the things Kevin does best, which was annoy Donnie. Meanwhile Kevin still was trying to convince Donnie to allow him to speak to his wife to get information that may or may not exist.
“Alright then, question – who do I learn from how to handle an outbreak of radioactive-scarred people searching for any form of sustenance than is in the store.” Kevin asked.
The store’s telephone rang as Donnie pointed Kevin in the direction of a movie that best described his request. On the phone was Donnie’s wife. She usually phoned around this time. While in the middle of the conversation, Kevin came up to the counter with his movie and a note he had written.
“Ask her if she got my e-mail” was written on there. Donnie looked at it, confused as usual with Kevin’s antics. “Oh, Kevin is here and wants to know if you got his e-mail… uh-huh… I’ll let him know”, said Donnie. “Sarah says that raising the dead is both unethical and unfeasible. That and she doubts that Chris Benoit would want to hang around with you.”
Kevin looked slightly disappointed. “You may be right; he’d probably want to be with his family.”
A lanky-looking teenage male was behind Kevin and tapped him on the shoulder. He told him. “Dude, you shouldn’t joke about that. Not enough time has passed.”
Kevin turned around. “Who are you?” he asked. “Shoo! This does not concern you!” The teen just scoffed and left muttering a “whatever”.
Again Karen asked Dean as he was putting on his long brown trench coat, “Is this another one I’m afraid to ask about?”
Dean looked and smiled. “Yeah, I’ll tell you while we’re making dinner tonight.”
Once everyone was gone, Donnie sighed and muttered to himself: Dammit all to hell! I guess some days are better than others.
No comments:
Post a Comment