When you die, the last thing you see is The King...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Apocalypse Wow! 1! Part 1, Chapter 3

Any real names, non-original content, or likenesses of celebrities are used in a fictitious and parodic manner.

CHAPTER THREE: NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER THREE IN THE MORNING. OR, IN WHICH DEAN AND KAREN PYSHCOANALYZE KEVIN AND THEN GET A WEIRD CALL IN THE EARLY MORNING. ALSO: ENTER THE “BEARDO”

“… Nothing good happens after 2 A.M.” - Ted Mosby, architect. Probably recalling on how he met his children’s mother.


She's a rebel, she's a saint/She's the salt of the earth/And she's dangerous/She's a rebel, vigilante/Missing link on the brink of destruction/From Chicago, to Toronto/She's the one that they call old whatsername/She's a symbol of resistance/And she's holding on my heart like a hand grenade - Green Day, “She’s A Rebel”

1:53 A.M.


That was the time showing on Dean’s alarm clock when had to get up and use the washroom. After work seemed like a normal life for a newly cohabiting couple. It was Monday. That meant “Pasta Night” for the two of them. They watched the news to see more details on the so-called impending war to end all wars. So far, everyone is throwing around talking points and pointless rhetoric. Although, Canada had agreed to stand behind the United States of America, just as Kevin predicted. Then again, a broken clock is right at least twice a day Dean thought to himself. While the world seemed on edge, no one was really panicking yet. Good thing too, as Dean and Karen snuggled together on the couch and watched Heroes; another typical couplely thing Dean seemed to enjoy.
“I wonder if we could convince Kevin if he saved a cheerleader, he would save the world.” Karen said to Dean.
“We could, but there are all kinds of laws that would prevent that to happen. I mean why you think there are age of consent laws and Chris Hansen running around exposing predators.” Dean said back to her.
“I’m just as amazed on how someone that weird has ever gotten laid.”
“He was never THIS bad back in Edmonton when I first met in at the U of A. He was a little eccentric to say the least, but he wasn’t full blown like he is now. Back then, he had wit, charm, grace.”
“So what the hell happened to him?”
“A lot of things really within the last year. First his parents both die and leave the family farm to him. Then there was Gloria…”
“Gloria? Never heard him talk about her before…”, Karen said inquisitively.
“… Because Gloria was the only woman that Kevin was attracted to for longer than a night or two,“ Dean continued on “She was a receptionist at Cargill. They had a secret relationship going on there since inter-office relationships were severely frowned upon. Then he accidentally killed her Chihuahua.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, she had this little Chihuahua, like the kind Paris Hilton had. One night after one of their secret rendezvous, they went back to her house. Kevin was too tired and fell upon her couch and pretty much used his body to suffocate the poor thing.”
“Jesus! That’s awful!”
“I know. Afterwards, she quit her job there and they broke up. He tried to get in touch with her but with no luck. And I think that is when he started to slowly lose his grip with reality.”
“Maybe he’s trying to overcompensate his broken heart which he may have never gone through if his past bedroom escapades are true with these bizarre side projects and ‘committees’.” Karen theorized.
Dean shrugged his shoulders, “Okay, Doctor Phil.” They both shared a chuckled and kissed each other on the lips.

1:55 A.M.


That was the time showing on the clock when Dean returned from the bathroom. The television set was on The Score, a headline sports network as he slid back under the covers. He gently brushed Karen’s hair and wrapped his one arm around her waist. This one is a keeper. Dean thought to himself. Maybe life is finally looking up for me.

2:15 A.M.


Dean had finally comfortably fallen back asleep. Then the phone rang. Christ! This better not be who I think it is. Dean thought to himself, almost dreading to look at the Caller ID on the phone on his night stand. It showed Kevin’s cell number. Mother of god, this had better be fucking important! Dean thought again.
“Hello? Do you know what time it is” Dean said angrily though quietly so as not to wake up Karen.
“Yes I know, but the Beardo was only available now at this time.” Kevin said with some urgency in his voice.
“Oh shit, you got the Beardo in this now?!”
“Okay, no, he approached me this time. Anyways, I’m heading to his place north of Willingdon. You in?”
“What? It’s almost three in the fucking morning! I got to work tomorrow morning!”
“You know he prefers two people when meeting someone. Plus Ariel is there too.”
“Oh god, no! Okay, I’ll come, but I’m bringing Karen with me so Ariel knows for sure nothing will happen between us!”
“Hmmm, You know how he doesn’t like things in threes. But since this is Level Orange on his ‘We’re fucked!’ scale, I’m sure he’ll make concessions.”
“Fine, we’ll drive out and meet you there okay?”
“Good. See you there.”
Dean hung up the phone shortly afterwards and began to poke and nudge Karen to wake up. “Wakey-wakey sleepy head”, Dean whispered into her ear. She tiredly moaned “Who the hell was that?”
Dean replied, “It was Kevin. We’re off to see the Beardo, and I need you to be a buffer between his sex-crazed daughter and me.”
Nothing good is going to happen this time of night. Karen thought to herself as she rolled out of bed. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose him to some crazed farmer’s daughter

Harold Toroshenko. “Old Weird Harold”, “The Ukrainian David Koresh”, and “The Wiebo Ludwig of Two Hills County” – those were some of his nicknames. But everyone knew him as “The Beardo”, mainly because of his bushy reddish-brown Santa Claus-like beard. That and he made Kevin look like a docile lobotomy patient. Growing up in the area, Dean always heard stories about the Beardo. Some were true; some were rampant rumor mongering and twisted half-truths. The only thing known for sure was Harold was a first lieutenant in the Canadian army during the height of the Cold War. He ended up as an unfortunate accident involving early development of biological weapons, which may have led to his deteriorating mental state over the years he was alive for. After his discharge and subsequent severance package given to him by the government, he had bought about three quarter sections of land nearly 4 miles away from the banks of the North Saskatchewan River. There, he and his wife Marie, whom had recently passed away, raised their two kids: a son named Eugene, and a daughter named Ariel. For most parts, the family kept to themselves, only to raise suspicions from the neighbors as they completely sealed off their homestead and rumors ran around that they had guns. Lots of guns, enough guns for a lengthy stand-off with local law enforcement agencies, which almost led to an ugly incident when gun control laws were passed in the early 1990s.
Eugene was the older of the two children. Dean remembered hearing stories about Eugene being “special” and how it happened. Some said it was from a nearly fatal fall that damaged part of his brain. Some even said that Old Weird Harold performed some kind of primitive brain surgery. Or some said it was a very early traumatic experience that left the bushy-haired man in his late 30s deaf and dumb – along with a very creepy vacant stare. Ariel, on the other hand, was the livelier of the two. A little too lively, as a matter of face, as Dean found out during his first real face to face with what may have been the Ruby Ridge of East Central Alberta. He went along with Kevin during a collection call to the Toroshenko home one time to retrieve a thousand dollar outstanding bill he owed Cargill. While Kevin and the Beardo discussed business, the petite auburn-haired Ariel set her eyes on Dean and they had a lengthy discussion involving her life. She mentioned to Dean that she ran away from home when she was fifteen, which coincidently was the time that the gates and barbed wire fence was strewn across the property. She recounted her life on the streets of Edmonton, how she briefly worked in various strip clubs, how she begged for change along Whyte Avenue, and only decided to come home after coming across a homeless man who reminded her of her older brother. She mentioned that her mom had been sick for years and had it not been for the fact that Eugene was both strong and followed the old man’s basic instructions, he may not be really alive since the Beardo was a strong believer in eugenics. What a rebel. Dean thought to himself at the time. It was then she mentioned that Dean seemed to have good genes and wanted him to impregnate here right there and now. That thought pretty much scared Dean that moment and that was the reason Karen was coming along.

3:00 A.M.

“Nothing good is coming out this, you know” Karen told Dean as they made the trek from the driveway towards the Toroshenko’s house.
“How do you mean, Kare Bear?” Dean asked while holding her hand and noticed she was squeezing it fairly hard.
“It is now past three in the morning. Nothing good happens after three in the morning.”
“Now who’s being paranoid?” Dean smiled as he pulled out his cell phone and was busy typing a message.
“Who are you texting?” Karen asked.
“Kevin. Just letting him know we are here and how I want the seating arrangement to go down.” Dean answered back.

Inside the house, the three of them sat on a couch that had a mounted deer head hanging above it. Dean sat in the middle, Karen on his left side, and Kevin on the right. Ariel, who had now dyed her hair black with the odd platinum blonde streak through it, sat on the floor, looking slightly disappointed. In an old recliner chair sat the Beardo, with Eugene standing beside him with that vacant look in his eyes.
“I think he’s staring at me.” Karen whispered into Dean’s ear.
“Pay no attention to him at all.” Beardo said, as if he could read lips and knew what was said. “Poor fella ain’t seen a lovely girl like you ever. When we found out about Eugene’s condition, we forbade him to never be with girls. Even when Ariel begun to develop, we had tried our best to conceal her appearance to keep him from goin’ crazy. We had to eventually castrate him once it was clear that keepin’ away from the opposite sex was gunna be a hard thing to accomplish when Marie and I both passed on.”
Great. Karen thought to herself. Between the retarded castrati and the home decorum, I’m worried this could turn into an Alberta Chainsaw Massacre.
The Beardo continued to speak, “Anyways the reason I called Kevin here is simple. The world is a sick place. Has been sick for years. Hell, it’s been sick since my army days. But the sickness has been getting’ worse and worse every passing year. And with the recent events, I’m pretty sure the end is near. There will be war and it ain’t gonna end well for any of us. But this war is a war for the young. For the strong and for the healthy. And I ain’t sure as hell any of those anymore. In other words, I’m dying. Been slowly dying over the last ten years or so but now I can’t go on for much longer.”
Kevin nodded assuredly “I see. So, what does this have to do with myself and my associates?”
The Beardo cleared his throat and went on “Well, when my Marie passed on, it got me to thinkin’ my time here is not that long. However I never trusted any of them fancy lawyers with their estate plannin’ and will writin’ that they tried to pressure me back in eighty-four. Now I could leave this all to Eugene, but as you can see, the boy ain’t right. He ain’t never were right and he ain’t ever gonna be right. Ariel, well, she may make good breedin’ stock when the population is wiped out or infected with various airborne viruses, but she ain’t gonna be able to look after all of this by herself. Now, Kevin, you’re like the son that the good lord never seem to bless me with. And since you have some farmin’ blood in ya, I would like to leave you my entire estate – land and all.”
Dean and Karen both turned their heads towards Kevin, who had an elated yet confused look on his face. “I’m flattered, but I already have some farm land…” Kevin stated.
The Beardo interrupted Kevin’s sentence before he could finish. “Well, this also includes the bomb shelter Marie and I worked on since the day we bought this piece of land. It’s been a labor of love that I hope we’d all live to use it one day. However that won’t be happening. This also includes all of my firearms and ammunitions.”
Kevin began to smile. He had once seen a small sampling of what the Beardo possessed in terms of a fire. “Thank you for such an honor.” Kevin said with a huge grin on his face. By this time, the Beardo motioned to Eugene to bring him a fair-sized strong box. The giant man walked over to where Kevin, Dean, and Karen were sitting on the couch. Eugene made a motion with his head, indicating it was okay to open it. Inside it appeared to be legal documents, blueprints, and a map of the compound.
“We’re done here for the night” Beardo said. He moved his hand to point at Dean and Karen. “You two are free to go. Kevin, I would like you to stay for a while.”
Kevin nodded in agreement as Karen and Dean picked the strong box up and began walking out. Though she did her best to hide it, Karen did have a “Okay, this place gives me the creeps, so let’s get the fuck out of here” look upon her face. As the two made their back out to where they parked.
“So, is Kevin going to become another Beardo?” Karen asked Dean.
“God I hope not.” Dean said with a tinge of doubt and fear in his voice. “Though if what Kevin told me once about the Beardo’s collection, I think he’s going to get a Morpheus complex.”
“Don’t you mean ‘Oedipus complex’?”
“No, more like Laurence Fishburne in the Matrix trilogy.”
“Oh, okay.” Karen said, rolling her eyes back a bit.

Just then, Dean and Karen heard the distant sound of a door slamming shut and two sets of feet rushing out that way. They struggled to figure out what was going on but as the running sound seemed to pick up, they recognized it was Kevin along with Ariel. As the two of them got closer to Dean and Karen, Dean noticed that Kevin was covering both of Ariel’s ears with his hands.
“Okay what the hell is going on?!” Karen asked. Kevin made a “Keep quiet” motion with his head. While it was unclear at the moment what was going on, Dean thought he heard another muffled sound coming somewhere from outside, but close to the house. It sounded like one gunshot. Then there was another. It became clear what has transpired. The Beardo wanted to try and spare his potential breeding stock further damage by not having her as a witness to their last stand.
Funny. Dean thought to himself. Always figured the Beardo would be brought down by gunfire. Just didn’t think it would be his own.

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