CHAPTER FOURTEEN: REUNITED! THE END OF AN ACT! DEANO’S ANGELS! OR, IN WHICH OUR HEROES REUNITE AND DISCUSS THEIR MISADVENTURES AND PLOT THE NEXT COURSE OF ACTION.
“I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark/When he made Pearl Harbor./I miss you more than that movie missed the point/And that’s an awful lot ./And now, now you've gone away/And all I'm trying to say/Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school/He was terrible in that film./I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part/He's way better then Ben Affleck./And now all I can think about is your smile/And that shittty movie too/Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?/I guess Pearl Harbor sucked/just a little bit more than I miss you.” - Trey Parker, “The End of an Act”
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school/He was terrible in that film./I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part/He's way better then Ben Affleck./And now all I can think about is your smile/And that shittty movie too/Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?/I guess Pearl Harbor sucked/just a little bit more than I miss you.” - Trey Parker, “The End of an Act”
Karen Anderson and Ariel Toroshenko watched from the sales area in Stawnichy’s in Mundare as Dean Williams talked to Sergeant Penny Fields outside of the freshly scorched sausage-craving zombie carcasses.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” asked Karen.
“I used to read lips,” replied Ariel. “From what I gathered so far is that Dean is basically tearing her up for forgetting his name so many years ago and she is trying to apologize, even with the same faux pas done like minutes ago.”
“Huh” said Karen as if she had enough problems holding back the green-eyed monster with Ariel’s presence, now she may have to deal with an ex-flame from six years ago.
Ryan Jeffries, stocking up on some pepperoni, said trying to ease Karen’s mind: “If it’s any consolation, I think any feelings Dean had for her died many years ago, or at least since you two hooked up.”
“Thanks.” Karen said, feeling a little relieved, but still she felt very protective of her man. It was then she noticed Dean had stopped talking to Penny to take a call on his cell phone. He did not talk too long and quickly headed back inside along with Penny.
“Okay, we’re moving out. We’re meeting Kevin at the Highway 16 intersection. Apparently, they had the more fucked up time in Veg than we had here.” Dean told everyone.
“How so?” asked Ryan.
“Well, from what I gathered from the garbled conversation I had, Keith Richards and Ric Flair saved them from a bunch of angry plant people who thought they were the Borg but became useless after he killed Joanne.” Dean replied.
“Sweet, looks like we’re not in trouble after all with her.” Ryan said.
“And I’m coming with you, too.” Penny insisted. “Captain Burns is going to take the two girls back with their parents and you’re going to need some military credentials if we plan on leaving this neck of the province.”
“Great, now we’re Charlie’s Angels!” scoffed Ryan.
“More like Dean’s Angels,” Karen said as she kissed her man full on the lips.
Dean accepted the kiss and told Ryan. “Yeah, that makes you Bosley then, Ryan.”
Dean stood outside of his Explorer, waiting to rendezvous with Kevin. While it seemed that Dean and his little group had some interesting encounters, Kevin probably topped it with whatever Dean could make out in the phone call placed by Kevin. Dean wondered what really was going on with the military seemingly abandoning children and obliterating sausage-craving zombies. What role do they have with the nanotechnology-infused vines and plants that overtook Vegreville? Is any of this connected? Maybe all the answers lie in what could very well be the remains of Edmonton, but are they really that foolish to go there? Maybe Kevin will have some answers. While Dean and Karen thought that Kevin had slowly lost his grip on reality more so since the break-up with Gloria, they knew deep down he was the only one whose insane ramblings could make sense in what is going on.
Dean watched in amazement as he saw a black Hummer, driving somewhat recklessly towards him. He jumped back a bit as the Hummer came to a screeching halt, fearing it may run him over. The initial look of fear turned to relief as Kevin, Donnie and Sarah hopped out.
“Good to you made out of Veg in one piece” Dean said to Kevin as the two friends gave a quick hug.
“God, I could have used you. Donnie got like only maybe ten percent of my references!” Kevin said.
“I’m right behind you, jackass!” Donnie said slightly annoyed.
Both Richards and Flair stepped out next, followed by the ragged unknown rock group. Kevin handled the introductions. “I believe you know these two gentlemen. Keith Richards, Ric Flair, I would like you to meet my main man Dean Williams, his girlfriend Karen Anderson – no relation to the Andersons you knew Ric, that red-haired spitfire is Ariel Toroshenko, I think she’s too crazy for the both of you, and that scruffy fellow there is the temp, and…” Kevin paused and looked at Penny. “Penny?! Penny Fields?! Is that really you?”
Penny nodded and said “Well, well, well. Kevin Brody, long time no see.”
“If only it were under different circumstances” Kevin said almost in tone that expressed lament.
“So, does anyone have a plan?” Ryan asked in his usual manner.
“Well between the vine-Borg-Daleks we mowed down in Vegreville and making both of the Bellums respective boss’ heads explode, I would be safe in assuming this area is dead for actual normal survivors.” Kevin surmised.
“That and our lovely army took away people from Andrew and barbequed Mundare.” Ariel quickly pointed out.
“Mundare was a necessity.” Penny said defensively. “Andrew was an unfortunate incident.”
“Cleary the only option to find out what is really going on is to head into Edmonton.” Karen suggested.
“Cripes, that ain’t happening, bird!” Keith Richards said as he took a long drag from a cigarette. “That city had probably been turned into rubble if what heard correctly.”
“Whoo! That’s right, E-town is probably a ghost town now!” said Flair.
“Not necessary” Penny said, trying to correct the legends. “I don’t know for sure because I was only assigned to this area after the fact but there have been rumors that Edmonton isn’t as bad off as anyone is making it out to be.”
“But why?” asked Dean.
“Probably because knowing the way things went down, the War Measures Act has been invoked and the military has carte blanche in how the province is run, especially if key parts of the Alberta government were taken out in the attack.” Kevin said and continued on. “And I think there are some power-hungry officers who see this as a chance to be in total control.”
“That’s crazy talk!” Donnie protested.
“You’ve seen some of the crazy shit we’ve been through already, Donnie!” Kevin retorted back. “If we can go from fighting people controlled by nanoprobes-infused vines alongside a rock and a wrestling legend, then maybe we’re dealing with a coup easily brought on through a world crisis!”
“Okay, so the Canadian army has overthrown the government under the guise of a nuclear strike on Edmonton? Then what do we do?” Donnie asked.
“Simple. We head into there and find out what really is going down.” Kevin insisted.
“Need I remind you that you are talking about going into a highly radioactive area that none of us have any kind of protective gear for?” Sarah said bringing in some scientific reason.
“Whoever said it was a nuclear strike anyways?” Penny inferred. Everyone just looked at her after she said that question. “Whatcha talkin’ about, Penny?” Kevin asked in a very poor imitation of Gary Coleman.
“For all we know, it was a conventional weapon.” Penny said. “There may have been some biochemicals in there but there has been no real sign that there was a nuclear warhead in any of the missiles that struck Edmonton.”
“So this may be all predicated on a lie?” asked Ryan. “That’s fucking weak!”
“Well, there was a definite strike on Edmonton. Lives and buildings were lost. To what extent, I don’t know. Like I said, I only got here and have heard a lot of doubletalk and an unconfirmed story of what is going on there.” Penny insisted.
“People, we need to realize we have no other choice but to go into Edmonton and solve this for ourselves.” Karen said, hoping for sure that her former hometown had not really been turned into a giant pile of radioactive ash.
Kevin and Dean nodded their heads in agreement. “It’s the only way.” Kevin said. “I concur” said Dean.
One of the rock group’s members spoke “Excuse me, we’re hungry here and really don’t want to be going into a city with more crazy stuff like we saw already.”
Another rocker spoke “Yeah between the giant pumpkin and all those vines, we don’t want any part of this shit.”
“Ryan, throw them some pepperoni.” Dean instructed Ryan, who threw a pack of pepperoni to the group.
“We’re vegetarians, assface!” one member protested.
“Friggin’ primadonnas!” Keith Richards grumbled to himself as he pulled out a flask from his trench coat and took a quick swig. “Mick and I were never that picky in our prime.”
Kevin decided to return everyone’s attention back to the matter at hand. “Okay everyone listen up. We’re going in the following groups – Dean, you’re taking Ariel, Penny and Karen; Temp, you’re coming with me and Misters Flair and Richards. We’re gonna make a man out of you yet.”
“You do realize that sounded gay?” said Ryan.
“What? No? What? Shut up!” a flustered Kevin said.
“Uhh, what about us?” asked Donnie.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about you! Donnie you go with Dean. Sarah, you’re coming with my group.” Kevin said.
“Oh hell no! My wife is not going with your group!” Donnie protested.
“Well, I need a brain on my team. Between Dean and Karen, their side is stacked as it is in brainpower.” Kevin said. “And I already got the temp to mold…”
“…again you’re heading into Gay Town!” Ryan interrupted.
“Quiet you,” Kevin insisted. “Plus you got two crazy gun toting ladies, and I got two insane old men with guns, and my knife collection. So yeah, I’m leaving Dean to make a man out of you.”
“Can’t I do that?” Ariel said smirking.
“Absolutely not!” Sarah shot back with a cold glare.
“Hey! What about us?” one of the rockers asked.
“Shit, I forgot about Hinderback there!” Kevin said slapping his forehead. “Wait, I thought you guys wanted nothing to do with us?”
“Well, it sure beats sitting here not knowing where to go.”
“Fine, you come with my group then.” Kevin said. “Once more unto the breach my friends…”
“What do you think they’re talking about?” asked Karen.
“I used to read lips,” replied Ariel. “From what I gathered so far is that Dean is basically tearing her up for forgetting his name so many years ago and she is trying to apologize, even with the same faux pas done like minutes ago.”
“Huh” said Karen as if she had enough problems holding back the green-eyed monster with Ariel’s presence, now she may have to deal with an ex-flame from six years ago.
Ryan Jeffries, stocking up on some pepperoni, said trying to ease Karen’s mind: “If it’s any consolation, I think any feelings Dean had for her died many years ago, or at least since you two hooked up.”
“Thanks.” Karen said, feeling a little relieved, but still she felt very protective of her man. It was then she noticed Dean had stopped talking to Penny to take a call on his cell phone. He did not talk too long and quickly headed back inside along with Penny.
“Okay, we’re moving out. We’re meeting Kevin at the Highway 16 intersection. Apparently, they had the more fucked up time in Veg than we had here.” Dean told everyone.
“How so?” asked Ryan.
“Well, from what I gathered from the garbled conversation I had, Keith Richards and Ric Flair saved them from a bunch of angry plant people who thought they were the Borg but became useless after he killed Joanne.” Dean replied.
“Sweet, looks like we’re not in trouble after all with her.” Ryan said.
“And I’m coming with you, too.” Penny insisted. “Captain Burns is going to take the two girls back with their parents and you’re going to need some military credentials if we plan on leaving this neck of the province.”
“Great, now we’re Charlie’s Angels!” scoffed Ryan.
“More like Dean’s Angels,” Karen said as she kissed her man full on the lips.
Dean accepted the kiss and told Ryan. “Yeah, that makes you Bosley then, Ryan.”
Dean stood outside of his Explorer, waiting to rendezvous with Kevin. While it seemed that Dean and his little group had some interesting encounters, Kevin probably topped it with whatever Dean could make out in the phone call placed by Kevin. Dean wondered what really was going on with the military seemingly abandoning children and obliterating sausage-craving zombies. What role do they have with the nanotechnology-infused vines and plants that overtook Vegreville? Is any of this connected? Maybe all the answers lie in what could very well be the remains of Edmonton, but are they really that foolish to go there? Maybe Kevin will have some answers. While Dean and Karen thought that Kevin had slowly lost his grip on reality more so since the break-up with Gloria, they knew deep down he was the only one whose insane ramblings could make sense in what is going on.
Dean watched in amazement as he saw a black Hummer, driving somewhat recklessly towards him. He jumped back a bit as the Hummer came to a screeching halt, fearing it may run him over. The initial look of fear turned to relief as Kevin, Donnie and Sarah hopped out.
“Good to you made out of Veg in one piece” Dean said to Kevin as the two friends gave a quick hug.
“God, I could have used you. Donnie got like only maybe ten percent of my references!” Kevin said.
“I’m right behind you, jackass!” Donnie said slightly annoyed.
Both Richards and Flair stepped out next, followed by the ragged unknown rock group. Kevin handled the introductions. “I believe you know these two gentlemen. Keith Richards, Ric Flair, I would like you to meet my main man Dean Williams, his girlfriend Karen Anderson – no relation to the Andersons you knew Ric, that red-haired spitfire is Ariel Toroshenko, I think she’s too crazy for the both of you, and that scruffy fellow there is the temp, and…” Kevin paused and looked at Penny. “Penny?! Penny Fields?! Is that really you?”
Penny nodded and said “Well, well, well. Kevin Brody, long time no see.”
“If only it were under different circumstances” Kevin said almost in tone that expressed lament.
“So, does anyone have a plan?” Ryan asked in his usual manner.
“Well between the vine-Borg-Daleks we mowed down in Vegreville and making both of the Bellums respective boss’ heads explode, I would be safe in assuming this area is dead for actual normal survivors.” Kevin surmised.
“That and our lovely army took away people from Andrew and barbequed Mundare.” Ariel quickly pointed out.
“Mundare was a necessity.” Penny said defensively. “Andrew was an unfortunate incident.”
“Cleary the only option to find out what is really going on is to head into Edmonton.” Karen suggested.
“Cripes, that ain’t happening, bird!” Keith Richards said as he took a long drag from a cigarette. “That city had probably been turned into rubble if what heard correctly.”
“Whoo! That’s right, E-town is probably a ghost town now!” said Flair.
“Not necessary” Penny said, trying to correct the legends. “I don’t know for sure because I was only assigned to this area after the fact but there have been rumors that Edmonton isn’t as bad off as anyone is making it out to be.”
“But why?” asked Dean.
“Probably because knowing the way things went down, the War Measures Act has been invoked and the military has carte blanche in how the province is run, especially if key parts of the Alberta government were taken out in the attack.” Kevin said and continued on. “And I think there are some power-hungry officers who see this as a chance to be in total control.”
“That’s crazy talk!” Donnie protested.
“You’ve seen some of the crazy shit we’ve been through already, Donnie!” Kevin retorted back. “If we can go from fighting people controlled by nanoprobes-infused vines alongside a rock and a wrestling legend, then maybe we’re dealing with a coup easily brought on through a world crisis!”
“Okay, so the Canadian army has overthrown the government under the guise of a nuclear strike on Edmonton? Then what do we do?” Donnie asked.
“Simple. We head into there and find out what really is going down.” Kevin insisted.
“Need I remind you that you are talking about going into a highly radioactive area that none of us have any kind of protective gear for?” Sarah said bringing in some scientific reason.
“Whoever said it was a nuclear strike anyways?” Penny inferred. Everyone just looked at her after she said that question. “Whatcha talkin’ about, Penny?” Kevin asked in a very poor imitation of Gary Coleman.
“For all we know, it was a conventional weapon.” Penny said. “There may have been some biochemicals in there but there has been no real sign that there was a nuclear warhead in any of the missiles that struck Edmonton.”
“So this may be all predicated on a lie?” asked Ryan. “That’s fucking weak!”
“Well, there was a definite strike on Edmonton. Lives and buildings were lost. To what extent, I don’t know. Like I said, I only got here and have heard a lot of doubletalk and an unconfirmed story of what is going on there.” Penny insisted.
“People, we need to realize we have no other choice but to go into Edmonton and solve this for ourselves.” Karen said, hoping for sure that her former hometown had not really been turned into a giant pile of radioactive ash.
Kevin and Dean nodded their heads in agreement. “It’s the only way.” Kevin said. “I concur” said Dean.
One of the rock group’s members spoke “Excuse me, we’re hungry here and really don’t want to be going into a city with more crazy stuff like we saw already.”
Another rocker spoke “Yeah between the giant pumpkin and all those vines, we don’t want any part of this shit.”
“Ryan, throw them some pepperoni.” Dean instructed Ryan, who threw a pack of pepperoni to the group.
“We’re vegetarians, assface!” one member protested.
“Friggin’ primadonnas!” Keith Richards grumbled to himself as he pulled out a flask from his trench coat and took a quick swig. “Mick and I were never that picky in our prime.”
Kevin decided to return everyone’s attention back to the matter at hand. “Okay everyone listen up. We’re going in the following groups – Dean, you’re taking Ariel, Penny and Karen; Temp, you’re coming with me and Misters Flair and Richards. We’re gonna make a man out of you yet.”
“You do realize that sounded gay?” said Ryan.
“What? No? What? Shut up!” a flustered Kevin said.
“Uhh, what about us?” asked Donnie.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about you! Donnie you go with Dean. Sarah, you’re coming with my group.” Kevin said.
“Oh hell no! My wife is not going with your group!” Donnie protested.
“Well, I need a brain on my team. Between Dean and Karen, their side is stacked as it is in brainpower.” Kevin said. “And I already got the temp to mold…”
“…again you’re heading into Gay Town!” Ryan interrupted.
“Quiet you,” Kevin insisted. “Plus you got two crazy gun toting ladies, and I got two insane old men with guns, and my knife collection. So yeah, I’m leaving Dean to make a man out of you.”
“Can’t I do that?” Ariel said smirking.
“Absolutely not!” Sarah shot back with a cold glare.
“Hey! What about us?” one of the rockers asked.
“Shit, I forgot about Hinderback there!” Kevin said slapping his forehead. “Wait, I thought you guys wanted nothing to do with us?”
“Well, it sure beats sitting here not knowing where to go.”
“Fine, you come with my group then.” Kevin said. “Once more unto the breach my friends…”
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