CHAPTER SIXTEEN: BUGS! OR IN WHICH KEVIN GOES INTO A HOOTER’S AND NEARLY BITES OFF MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW.
“Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas...” - that crazy photojournalist played by Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.
“Bugs on my ceiling/Crowded the floor/Standing sitting kneeling.../A few block the door
/And now the question's:/Do I kill them?/Become their friend?/Do I eat them?/Raw or well done?/Do I trick them?/I don't think they're that dumb/Do I join them?/Looks like that's the one” - Pearl Jam, “Bugs”
“Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas...” - that crazy photojournalist played by Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.
“Bugs on my ceiling/Crowded the floor/Standing sitting kneeling.../A few block the door
/And now the question's:/Do I kill them?/Become their friend?/Do I eat them?/Raw or well done?/Do I trick them?/I don't think they're that dumb/Do I join them?/Looks like that's the one” - Pearl Jam, “Bugs”
West Edmonton Mall would typically be filled with a wide array of tourists, shoppers, and general passer-bys. But now it stands empty and vacant, devoid of any signs of life. Only a single vehicle, a black Hummer, sit motionless in the mall’s massive parking lot. While Whyte Avenue may have shown little signs of being totally trashed in a nuclear explosion, the west end of Edmonton was not so lucky with windows smashed, traffic signs and other vehicles scattered across the scene. Kevin James Brody was the first to step outside of the Hummer, somewhat ignorant towards any potential radiation poisoning he may endure. Or that was the view of Ryan Jeffries and Doctor Sarah Bellum, unbeknownst to the two of them that Kevin had procured a Geiger counter from Penny Fields. After determining that the area was safe, he motioned for them to come out, alongside Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards and pro wrestling legend Ric Flair.
“We’re safe for now!” Kevin assured the rest of his team. “But this rather odd indeed.”
“What do you mean? What exactly are you talking about?” asked Sarah as she held onto her three year old daughter Hailey.
“Well, there are no indications of any radioactive residue in the air or the ground.” Kevin stated. “Any theories you have, my dear doctor?”
“For the last time, you twit, I work with plants only. None of this makes a lot of sense to me.” Sarah said. “And so far everything we have encountered defies all laws of science.”
Keith Richards looked around and lit up a cigarette. Then he asked Sarah “Can I be the first one to say ‘fuck science’? I mean, come on, those vine things weren’t exactly scientifically accurate, wouldn’t you agree miss?”
“I, I don’t know what to say or believe anymore really.” Sarah said, somewhat exhausted of this conversation and this whole turn of events. “Obviously that Penny girl was right in Edmonton not being struck with a nuclear warhead…”
Kevin interrupted. “So why does everything here look like it has been through a war zone then, sunshine?”
Sarah just rolled her eyes and let out a sight. “Look, all I know is I’m tired, my daughter misses her father, and quite frankly I could go for something to eat.”
Ryan nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, I could go for something to eat as well. That and I don’t understand why you traded Donnie for me. I felt a little safer with the crazy red head than I do with the grumpy old men here.”
Flair, who was surprising quiet during this time, decided to chop Ryan in the chest. “Watch it, fat boy! Whoo! We saved your friend’s way back there! Whoo!”
Richards shook his head in agreement. “Bloody well right we did.”
Kevin came over and put his arm around Ryan in a brotherly way. “Well, my young apprentice, I figured you could benefit from experience.”
“That even is more puzzling.” Ryan quipped. “What is this experience you talk about?”
Kevin put both of his hands over his face in exasperation. “Well, my dear temp, you are the future here, along with the toddler Bellum over there, but she is at least ten years away from knowing the truth.”
“The truth about what exactly?” asked a puzzled Ryan.
“The truth about relationships,” Kevin said and then continued on. “The trials and tribulations of falling in, ugh, love with members of the opposite sex. Dean used to be oblivious to that area, and then I went the mistake and set him up with Karen. I thought at the time ‘Hey, that’s cool. They’d go out a couple times, he’d tap that ass of hers and they would break up leaving him a pile of self-doubt and broken heartedness.’ I never actually expected to become,” Kevin then looks at Sarah. “Become like you. Another boring married couple making payments on a long term mortgage and raising a litter of kids.”
“I thought you would be happy for your friend.” Sarah shot back with that comment.
Kevin looked at her and just chuckled kind of nervously. “Oh I am happy, really. There were days, no, years where Dean would have been scared shitless of approaching a woman like Karen. But now they’re getting into that couple groove. The pet names for each other, breakfast in bed, living together. The next step is inevitable. Meanwhile, men like me are a dying breed. You know - the superficial and shallow ‘wham, bam, thank-you ma’am!’ type of men like yours truly are on the verge of being overtaken by men wanting a ‘commitment’. It makes me a little sick to be quite honest.”
Keith Richards decided to talk. “Ehh, it’s the way of the new world, mate.” Keith told Kevin.
“I know. And that is where you come into play, temp.” Kevin looked at Ryan. “Because once Dean gets trapped in the matrimony cage, I won’t be able to hang around him as much anymore because he’ll become a… ugh... a family man.”
Ric looked around and had a concerned look on his face. “Uhh, not to alarm anyone, but what the hell are those things?!” Flair said pointing at about ten giant cockroaches with ten men on top of them, riding them like they were horses. Keith Richards simply rubbed his eyes. “Oh thank god you saw them too Ric, because I thought I was going through a really back acid flashback!” said Keith.
One of the men on the cockroaches pulled out a machine gun and went on to say “Come with us now!”
Kevin looked up and told his team. “I think we better do what the machine-gun wielding cockroach rider says.”
Kevin, Ryan, Ric, Keith, Sarah, and Hailey walked slowly between five of the cockroaches in front of them and the other five behind them. They were routinely escorted inside the mall, which showed signs of a massive battle inside with an odd fire here and there, shop windows smashed, and graffiti decorating the walls of the world’s largest mall. They were taken promptly by the captors to the Hooter’s restaurant. At the entranceway, two men wearing cockroach masks guarded the entrance.
One of the men on the giant cockroaches spoke to the guards. “We have brought prisoners for Lord Munchie.”
“Oh mother of Christ! Not him!” Kevin muttered silently.
“Care to share with the rest of us?” asked Sarah quietly.
“Munchie was this former worker over at Cargill. Bit of an outcast really, spouted off a lot of Marxist propaganda in front of right-winged minded farmers. May or may not have been one of Vegreville’s top marijuana sources.” Kevin informed Sarah. “Shit! Of all people to survive…” Kevin then was smacked in the back of the head with the butt of a gun by one of the riders. “Thou shall not talk such blasphemy!” the rider said as the guards up front motioned for the riders to move in their prisoners. Inside the Hooter’s pictures of cockroaches and signs saying “HAIL THE ROACHES!” and “OUR TIME IS NOW!” adorned the walls. Sitting atop of one of the tables sat a man in his mid thirties with a long pony-tail and wearing all tan clothing.
“I am Lord Munchie, Emissary of the Cockroaches!” he introduced himself. “Why thou has trespassed onto our holy land… Kevin? Is that you?” Munchie asked as he stared.
“Hello Munchie.” Kevin said with disdain in his voice. “Pissed off any conservatives lately?”
“Well I – shut up!” Munchie insisted. “Guess I should have known such an uber-cool guy such as you would have tried to ruin my fun!”
“What are you babbling on about, you smelly hippy?” asked Kevin. “And what is with the cockroaches?”
“Oh you silly bugger!” said Munchie. “You were the one always blabbering about how cockroaches can survive a nuclear war.”
Sarah interjected “While I may say that it in itself is a scientific fallacy…”
“Shut up! Your conventional science laws no longer apply here, man!” Munchie snapped at Sarah. “And since Mister Flair’s little Iranian friend decided to start World War Three, we knew now was the time to worship and elevate our new god – the cockroach!”
Ryan asked in a dickish but sincere manner “So, why have you enslaved your new god?”
“What? No? Just, shut up man!” Munchie told Ryan. “These are merely soldier roaches. They absorbed most of the radioactive fallout and grew. They would have surely torn us apart had I not commanded them to stop. Then I knew that I was meant to be the sole communicator between man and cockroach. Their emissary if you will.”
Keith Richards took a long drag on his cigarette. “Hey mate, if I ever start using again, can you hook me up with your stash because this sounds like some good shit there, mate?” he asked Munchie.
“No! What? Shut up, man!” barked Munchie.
Kevin just laughed at Munchie and his little delusion of grandeur. “Look ‘man’, we totally ‘pwned’ a bunch of plants that thought they were the Borg until I killed both of their queens and then they became all rage-like and thought they were now Daleks…”
“Yes, I am well aware of your triumph in Vegreville” stated Munchie, “Which is why I have spared your life. Remember the other two things you said that could withstand a nuclear war?”
Kevin looked at Ric Flair and Keith Richards, and then looked at Munchie. “Oh shit.” Kevin said.
“Yes!” exclaimed Munchie. “Now that I have the power of all three survivors of a nuclear attack, I shall become all knowing and all powerful.”
Kevin just looked and shook his head. “Okay, I don’t think that is how it quite works.”
“Shut up! I make the rules now!” commanded Munchie.
“Uhh, you do realize that neither one of us want to join up with you, right?” Keith asked.
“Damn rights! I don’t want to be with no stinkin’ roaches!” protested Flair.
“It’s not like you have a choice here, man!” Munchie insisted and let out a stoned laugh. “I have been embraced by the light that the roaches have blessed me with. I shall speak to them as I observe both man and cockroach enter a new age of peace and understanding, and I shall crush all those who dare go against my will!”
“That isn’t happening here, dumbass!” Kevin shouted.
“Do you dare question my divine right?” asked Munchie.
“I sure as hell do. In fact, I challenge you, o mighty emissary of the cockroaches,” Kevin paused for dramatic effect. “To a wing eating contest!”
A stunned Munchie asked “What are talking about?”
“You heard me! We’re in a Hooter’s, a place famous for three things, and since I know the last time you got laid was that unfortunate yiffing incident an anonymous person sent me from a furry convention and the only woman here is a married one, I want you in a wing eating contest!”
Munchie stammered by this challenged laid down by Kevin. “But I’m a vegetarian!” he protested.
“And yet you hold your holy ground in a Hooter’s?” asked Ryan.
“You know what? Screw this man. The geezers live, kill the rest!” Munchie said as he held his hand up in a decree of execution to take place.
“Not so fast, motherfucker! Whoo!” shouted Flair who drew a revolver out and shot Munchie right in the head.
“Ouch, maaan” were the last words said by Munchie as he slumped down to the ground. While Kevin was anticipating the rest of Munchie’s delusional followers would surely carry out their now dead messiah’s orders, a stereotypical black man, almost a throwback to the supposed good old days of minstrel shows, came out from the crowd of guards and asked “Mistah Munchie, he dead?”
Kevin nodded his head. Then the black man yelped in joy as the rest of the followers joined in the celebration. One of the riders looked relieved as he told Kevin “Thank Christ someone had the balls to do that here! I mean, he wanted us to eat garbage and start chewing on walls! He must have smoked some bad granola I’m telling you.”
“So why ride the cockroaches then?” asked Ryan.
“Because our cars got wrecked between the explosion and the giant bugs walking around smashing things, duh!” replied the guard.
Ryan shrugged his shoulders and carried on. Kevin looked on in confusion but was relieved. “So, is there anything left in Edmonton?” he asked one of the guards.
“I don’t know. We all thought we were the last ones left that survived. Which is why we followed Fred Penner there” he said, pointing to the now late Munchie.
“So there may be a city out there?” asked Sarah, hoping that this nightmare will soon be over.
“I don’t know lady,” another guard said. “But I think if anyone did survive, I’m sure the army has taken care of them.”
“Meaning?” asked Sarah.
“Looks like you may have to find out for yourself” the guard said.
“We’re safe for now!” Kevin assured the rest of his team. “But this rather odd indeed.”
“What do you mean? What exactly are you talking about?” asked Sarah as she held onto her three year old daughter Hailey.
“Well, there are no indications of any radioactive residue in the air or the ground.” Kevin stated. “Any theories you have, my dear doctor?”
“For the last time, you twit, I work with plants only. None of this makes a lot of sense to me.” Sarah said. “And so far everything we have encountered defies all laws of science.”
Keith Richards looked around and lit up a cigarette. Then he asked Sarah “Can I be the first one to say ‘fuck science’? I mean, come on, those vine things weren’t exactly scientifically accurate, wouldn’t you agree miss?”
“I, I don’t know what to say or believe anymore really.” Sarah said, somewhat exhausted of this conversation and this whole turn of events. “Obviously that Penny girl was right in Edmonton not being struck with a nuclear warhead…”
Kevin interrupted. “So why does everything here look like it has been through a war zone then, sunshine?”
Sarah just rolled her eyes and let out a sight. “Look, all I know is I’m tired, my daughter misses her father, and quite frankly I could go for something to eat.”
Ryan nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, I could go for something to eat as well. That and I don’t understand why you traded Donnie for me. I felt a little safer with the crazy red head than I do with the grumpy old men here.”
Flair, who was surprising quiet during this time, decided to chop Ryan in the chest. “Watch it, fat boy! Whoo! We saved your friend’s way back there! Whoo!”
Richards shook his head in agreement. “Bloody well right we did.”
Kevin came over and put his arm around Ryan in a brotherly way. “Well, my young apprentice, I figured you could benefit from experience.”
“That even is more puzzling.” Ryan quipped. “What is this experience you talk about?”
Kevin put both of his hands over his face in exasperation. “Well, my dear temp, you are the future here, along with the toddler Bellum over there, but she is at least ten years away from knowing the truth.”
“The truth about what exactly?” asked a puzzled Ryan.
“The truth about relationships,” Kevin said and then continued on. “The trials and tribulations of falling in, ugh, love with members of the opposite sex. Dean used to be oblivious to that area, and then I went the mistake and set him up with Karen. I thought at the time ‘Hey, that’s cool. They’d go out a couple times, he’d tap that ass of hers and they would break up leaving him a pile of self-doubt and broken heartedness.’ I never actually expected to become,” Kevin then looks at Sarah. “Become like you. Another boring married couple making payments on a long term mortgage and raising a litter of kids.”
“I thought you would be happy for your friend.” Sarah shot back with that comment.
Kevin looked at her and just chuckled kind of nervously. “Oh I am happy, really. There were days, no, years where Dean would have been scared shitless of approaching a woman like Karen. But now they’re getting into that couple groove. The pet names for each other, breakfast in bed, living together. The next step is inevitable. Meanwhile, men like me are a dying breed. You know - the superficial and shallow ‘wham, bam, thank-you ma’am!’ type of men like yours truly are on the verge of being overtaken by men wanting a ‘commitment’. It makes me a little sick to be quite honest.”
Keith Richards decided to talk. “Ehh, it’s the way of the new world, mate.” Keith told Kevin.
“I know. And that is where you come into play, temp.” Kevin looked at Ryan. “Because once Dean gets trapped in the matrimony cage, I won’t be able to hang around him as much anymore because he’ll become a… ugh... a family man.”
Ric looked around and had a concerned look on his face. “Uhh, not to alarm anyone, but what the hell are those things?!” Flair said pointing at about ten giant cockroaches with ten men on top of them, riding them like they were horses. Keith Richards simply rubbed his eyes. “Oh thank god you saw them too Ric, because I thought I was going through a really back acid flashback!” said Keith.
One of the men on the cockroaches pulled out a machine gun and went on to say “Come with us now!”
Kevin looked up and told his team. “I think we better do what the machine-gun wielding cockroach rider says.”
Kevin, Ryan, Ric, Keith, Sarah, and Hailey walked slowly between five of the cockroaches in front of them and the other five behind them. They were routinely escorted inside the mall, which showed signs of a massive battle inside with an odd fire here and there, shop windows smashed, and graffiti decorating the walls of the world’s largest mall. They were taken promptly by the captors to the Hooter’s restaurant. At the entranceway, two men wearing cockroach masks guarded the entrance.
One of the men on the giant cockroaches spoke to the guards. “We have brought prisoners for Lord Munchie.”
“Oh mother of Christ! Not him!” Kevin muttered silently.
“Care to share with the rest of us?” asked Sarah quietly.
“Munchie was this former worker over at Cargill. Bit of an outcast really, spouted off a lot of Marxist propaganda in front of right-winged minded farmers. May or may not have been one of Vegreville’s top marijuana sources.” Kevin informed Sarah. “Shit! Of all people to survive…” Kevin then was smacked in the back of the head with the butt of a gun by one of the riders. “Thou shall not talk such blasphemy!” the rider said as the guards up front motioned for the riders to move in their prisoners. Inside the Hooter’s pictures of cockroaches and signs saying “HAIL THE ROACHES!” and “OUR TIME IS NOW!” adorned the walls. Sitting atop of one of the tables sat a man in his mid thirties with a long pony-tail and wearing all tan clothing.
“I am Lord Munchie, Emissary of the Cockroaches!” he introduced himself. “Why thou has trespassed onto our holy land… Kevin? Is that you?” Munchie asked as he stared.
“Hello Munchie.” Kevin said with disdain in his voice. “Pissed off any conservatives lately?”
“Well I – shut up!” Munchie insisted. “Guess I should have known such an uber-cool guy such as you would have tried to ruin my fun!”
“What are you babbling on about, you smelly hippy?” asked Kevin. “And what is with the cockroaches?”
“Oh you silly bugger!” said Munchie. “You were the one always blabbering about how cockroaches can survive a nuclear war.”
Sarah interjected “While I may say that it in itself is a scientific fallacy…”
“Shut up! Your conventional science laws no longer apply here, man!” Munchie snapped at Sarah. “And since Mister Flair’s little Iranian friend decided to start World War Three, we knew now was the time to worship and elevate our new god – the cockroach!”
Ryan asked in a dickish but sincere manner “So, why have you enslaved your new god?”
“What? No? Just, shut up man!” Munchie told Ryan. “These are merely soldier roaches. They absorbed most of the radioactive fallout and grew. They would have surely torn us apart had I not commanded them to stop. Then I knew that I was meant to be the sole communicator between man and cockroach. Their emissary if you will.”
Keith Richards took a long drag on his cigarette. “Hey mate, if I ever start using again, can you hook me up with your stash because this sounds like some good shit there, mate?” he asked Munchie.
“No! What? Shut up, man!” barked Munchie.
Kevin just laughed at Munchie and his little delusion of grandeur. “Look ‘man’, we totally ‘pwned’ a bunch of plants that thought they were the Borg until I killed both of their queens and then they became all rage-like and thought they were now Daleks…”
“Yes, I am well aware of your triumph in Vegreville” stated Munchie, “Which is why I have spared your life. Remember the other two things you said that could withstand a nuclear war?”
Kevin looked at Ric Flair and Keith Richards, and then looked at Munchie. “Oh shit.” Kevin said.
“Yes!” exclaimed Munchie. “Now that I have the power of all three survivors of a nuclear attack, I shall become all knowing and all powerful.”
Kevin just looked and shook his head. “Okay, I don’t think that is how it quite works.”
“Shut up! I make the rules now!” commanded Munchie.
“Uhh, you do realize that neither one of us want to join up with you, right?” Keith asked.
“Damn rights! I don’t want to be with no stinkin’ roaches!” protested Flair.
“It’s not like you have a choice here, man!” Munchie insisted and let out a stoned laugh. “I have been embraced by the light that the roaches have blessed me with. I shall speak to them as I observe both man and cockroach enter a new age of peace and understanding, and I shall crush all those who dare go against my will!”
“That isn’t happening here, dumbass!” Kevin shouted.
“Do you dare question my divine right?” asked Munchie.
“I sure as hell do. In fact, I challenge you, o mighty emissary of the cockroaches,” Kevin paused for dramatic effect. “To a wing eating contest!”
A stunned Munchie asked “What are talking about?”
“You heard me! We’re in a Hooter’s, a place famous for three things, and since I know the last time you got laid was that unfortunate yiffing incident an anonymous person sent me from a furry convention and the only woman here is a married one, I want you in a wing eating contest!”
Munchie stammered by this challenged laid down by Kevin. “But I’m a vegetarian!” he protested.
“And yet you hold your holy ground in a Hooter’s?” asked Ryan.
“You know what? Screw this man. The geezers live, kill the rest!” Munchie said as he held his hand up in a decree of execution to take place.
“Not so fast, motherfucker! Whoo!” shouted Flair who drew a revolver out and shot Munchie right in the head.
“Ouch, maaan” were the last words said by Munchie as he slumped down to the ground. While Kevin was anticipating the rest of Munchie’s delusional followers would surely carry out their now dead messiah’s orders, a stereotypical black man, almost a throwback to the supposed good old days of minstrel shows, came out from the crowd of guards and asked “Mistah Munchie, he dead?”
Kevin nodded his head. Then the black man yelped in joy as the rest of the followers joined in the celebration. One of the riders looked relieved as he told Kevin “Thank Christ someone had the balls to do that here! I mean, he wanted us to eat garbage and start chewing on walls! He must have smoked some bad granola I’m telling you.”
“So why ride the cockroaches then?” asked Ryan.
“Because our cars got wrecked between the explosion and the giant bugs walking around smashing things, duh!” replied the guard.
Ryan shrugged his shoulders and carried on. Kevin looked on in confusion but was relieved. “So, is there anything left in Edmonton?” he asked one of the guards.
“I don’t know. We all thought we were the last ones left that survived. Which is why we followed Fred Penner there” he said, pointing to the now late Munchie.
“So there may be a city out there?” asked Sarah, hoping that this nightmare will soon be over.
“I don’t know lady,” another guard said. “But I think if anyone did survive, I’m sure the army has taken care of them.”
“Meaning?” asked Sarah.
“Looks like you may have to find out for yourself” the guard said.
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