The 2nd Annual Lapsies. The Best of Both Worlds!

Yes, it is that time again. 2008 is only a few hours away from being done. And with that in mind, I am doing the second annual Laspies. For those that are not in the know, it is just my own personal year-end awards to people who achieved fame and infamy in the previous year along with some top five lists of what I thought rocked tacos in the year. Last year when I did this I broke it into two parts. This year, I'm gonna mix it up and do both within one post. Why? 1) Because I ran out of time; 2)Because I can, that's why! Hopefully this will either kick ass or be worse than when they mixed up the format on the MTV Music Video Awards. So without further adieu:

THE 2ND ANNUAL LAPSIE AWARDS

Five Favorite Movies of the Year:

1. The Dark Knight
2. Wall-E
3. Iron Man
4. Tropic Thunder
5. Step Brothers

Five Movies I Need to See Yet:

1. Quantum of Solace
2. The Wrestler
3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
4. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
5. Pineapple Express

Concerts of the Year (aka the five concerts I went to all year...):

1. Foo Fighters
2. "Weird Al" Yankovic
3. Oasis
4. Sheryl Crow
5. The Austrailian Pink Floyd Show

Man of the Year: Barack Hussein Obama. Yes who would have thunk than the Americans would not only elect a black man to the Oval Office, but a man with such a divisive name. Unfortunately for Mister Hope and Change, he's getting the equivelent of a money pit house with a shitty economy and the whole Iraq boondoogle! Be well, Black Jesus!

Woman of the Year: Sarah Palin. Okay, so it was an obvious ploy by the Republicans to pander to women who felt slighted after Hilary Clinton lost out the Democratic bid for the presidency; okay, so she opened her mouth and pretty much sunk the entire McCain campaign; okay, she is pretty much a big joke now, but for one shining moment, Americans were close to having a woman in the presidency since my "John McCain is a Time Lord and would regenerate into David Tennant" theory panned out. Shine on, Moose Killa from Wasilla!

Albums of the Year:

1. Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts I-IV
2. Sam Roberts - Love at the End of the World
3. Metallica - Death Magnetic
4. McFly - Radio:ACTIVE
5. Guns'N'Roses - Chinese Democracy

Singles of the Year:

1. Foo Fighters - "Let It Die"
2. Rihanna - "Disturbia"
3. Britney Spears - "Womanizer"
4. Katy Perry - "I Kissed A Girl"
5. McFly - "One For The Radio"

Five Musical Acts I've Grown To Like and/or Just Learned of Their Awesomness:

1. Dropkick Murphys
2. Scissor Sisters
3. McFly
4. Paul Simon (Graceland is a wonderful album! Fuck you if you disagree! ;) )
5. The Monkees

Comeback of the Year: Britney Spears. Yep, who woulda thunk that this time last year we had a cross-dressing freak telling us to leave her alone and she was on everyone's death watch. Now she's back looking hot as ever and looks like she's put the past year of craziness behind her.

"Just Fucking Die Already!" Award: Amy Winehouse. For a while I dug that "Rehab" song. Then I heard Rihanna do a different version of a song using the same title for it and enjoyed it more. That and now it looks like she spent summer camp at Auschwitchz. Please just die already!

Five "WTF?!" Moments on Television:

1. Locke was "Casket Guy" on Lost.
2. Kizarny! Wizzho Izz Thizzink Izz Aizzn Eizzvil Carney. Aizzslo fizzrom wizzhat izz hizzeard hizze sizzucks izzn thizze rizzing sizzo izz eizzxpect hizzim tizzo bizze fizzutured eizzendevored izzn tizzhe nizzear fizzture.
3. The whole "Turn Left"/"The Stolen Earth"/"Journey's End" mini-arc from the fourth series of Doctor Who.
4. Spaghetti Cat
5. The whole Dwight/Angela/Andy love triangle on The Office.

Five Shows I'm Considering Picking Up To Watch:

1. Dexter
2. Mad Men
3. 30 Rock
4. House
5. Fringe

Five Movies I Need to See Based on Their Trailers/Clips on YouTube:

1. The Apple
2. Zardoz
3. Rubin and Ed
4. Troll 2
5. Silent Night Deadly Night 2

Feuds of the Year:

1. Anonymous vs. The Church of $cientology
2. Rosie O'Donnell vs. The View
3. Oprah Winfrey vs OVER 9000 PENISES!!!
4. Israel vs. Hamas
5. Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

The "Chris Benoit Sick Fuck Memorial" Award: (three-way tie)"Greyhound Beheader"/"Satan Claus"/"3Guys1Hammer" Who could top last year's fake-fighter turned crazed murdered? How about a guy who lopped off someone's head on a Greyhound bus going to Winnpeg? Or a guy dressed as Santa Claus who kills himself after offing a bunch of loved ones? Or three guys who beat a whole bunch of people with a hammer. Whether they sung The Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" or not doesn't mean they were not sick fucks indeed.

"LOL Politics~!" Award: Canada. Only in Canada could a minority Conservative government be nearly forced out of power by an alliance of left wing parties and a pro-Quebec independance party only six weeks after 30% of the country voted in a rather premature election. Then said alliance originally chose a leader who was a lame duck candidate only to be replaced by a guy who was parachuted into Canada two elections ago and hates Ukrainians apparently. I eagerly await the next general election in Feburary lest I have my way and overthrow this sham of a government and instill my will! ;)

Five Best YouTube Videoes of '08!:

1. UFOPORNO!
2. The Japanese sure have an odd view on the U.K....
3. The Fresh Prince of Gotham
4. Food Fight!
5. This.

Vampire Rankings:

1. Dracula
2. Blackula
3. Angel
4. Spike
5. Lestat

"I'm Too Old For This Shit!" Award: (three-way tie)Miley Cyrus/the High School Musical phenomenon/ the whole Twilight hype. I can't until Miley is legal and goes on a total Britney-esque skanky mode. Or for High School Musical: The College Years starring the fat girl, the black chick, and the fag with the hat (Since by this time Zac Efron will be all like "I was in Hairspray motherfuckers! I don't need this Mickey Mouse shit!", Vanessa Hudgens will have disgraced the Disney brand by posing in Playboy, Ashely Tisdale will be my trophy wife alongside Billie Piper, Salma Hayak, and Emily Deschanel in the New Canadian Order, and Corbin Bleu will be like "Sure, forget about the black guy! Fuck y'all!"). As for the Mormon fat chick who has violated her covenant with God, thus depriving her of endless celestial sex, well, you see my Vampire rankings, right? You see that Edward guy on there? Nu-uh...

Musical Rankings:

1. Hairspray
2. Oliver!
3. Pink Floyd: The Wall
4. Tommy
5. The Apple

Athelete of the Year: Michael Phelps. American swimmer who won like over 9000 gold medals at the Summer Games. Can't wait until he drowns his kids in the swimming pool in his yard and filets his wife...

Country of the Year: China. Between an awesome opening ceremony for the Summer Olympics and the constant poisoning of kids' toys, I for one look forward to being ruled by our slant-eyed overlords.

"Instant Karma!" Award": O.J. Simpson. Only in America can a guilty man of murder most foul be found innocent criminally, responsible for death civilly, and end up in jail for a long time for trying to forcefully retrieve precieved stolen property.

T.V. Shows That Have Suffered Since the Writer's Strike

1. Heroes
2. My Name is Earl
3. Heroes
4. Heroes
5. Heroes

Celebrity Crushes of '08:

1. Sarah Palin
2. Emily Deschanel
3. Billie Piper
4. Jenna Fischer
5. Katy Perry

"Don't you have better things to spend your money on?" Award: Darryl Katz. Oh, Darryl. You just had to buy the Oilers, eh? I intially supported your bid but still the Oilers suck ass! You don't see me bidding for the Maple Leafs, hmmm?

Now That Chinese Democracy has been released and the Americans elected a colored president, Five Things That Won't Happen in My Lifetime:

1. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series
2. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
3. Canada elects a visible minority as Prime Minister
4. Duke Nukem Forever is released
5. Man colonizes on Mars. And I will be disappointed in lack of three-breasted women. (Confused? Watch Total Recall, fuckers!)

Matches of the Year (Worked and/or shoot)

1. Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Coutour
2. Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Serra
3. Iraqi shoe thrower vs. George W. Bush
4. Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather
5. Israel vs. Hamas

Best Work-In-Progress Online Novel: Apocalypse Wow! 2! Electric Boogaloo. Look for an exclusive interview on this blog in the coming days. And by "exclusive", I mean "totally self-indulgent". ;)

That is all I have for this year! Happy 2009, y'all!